and the wind blew

and the wind blew down the tree
that crashes into me
as i'm standing on an island
with the sand falling through
my hand
i reach for this
turning thing
and find
not one, single
piece of mind
the wind blew me down
i fell and fell
if i would've caught the train
i would not stand alone
i walk too slow
i run at the pace
of the awkwardly placed turtle
on his back
and the wind blew me down
so i walk alone
i stand alone
and i run alone
even the turtle
is faster than me
...

the human experience take 2

it seems like my thoughts are themed, because almost exactly a month ago i was having the same thoughts in a different context. i keep thinking of my previous question "what it means to be human," and expanding on what i was saying about relationships. sometimes, i wonder if they're worth it. this very moment in time i am losing someone who has been my rock for so long. at first i was able to rationalize it and understand that this is just the "natural" way of things, but then this person called me. i wasn't expecting that. i was expecting to tip-toe out of the relationship like i tip-toe out of my shoes after a hard day. painless. no sound. but of course, i should have seen it coming, i'm not very quiet when i take of my shoes. so this is not quiet, and it is certainly not painless. far from it in fact, it is very painful-heartbreaking even. the thing is i don't want to let go. i know, this is normal. but the other thing is i'm not even sure i have to. why should i? well it's painful to be in the relationship and it's painful without it. which is worth the pain? neither, if you ask me. i feel like i'm an idealist stuck in a cynical body. i used to be so idealistic and such a dreamer my head was constantly in the clouds, and it still is to a certain extent. basically, this is something i can't rationalize, i can't make sense of it. i can't see into the future i don't know which decision would be more beneficial or if either is really beneficial or not. it may just be a path, perhaps this is a fork in the road? and there are two ways i could take..i could decide to keep things as they are or i could decide to end the relationship. i feel like i'm picking the petals off the flower "he loves me" "he loves me not." i don't like forks. i prefer spoons. but there are no spoons in the road. and i'm running in circles. all i know is tonight the thought of losing this person, this person who has been my rock for so long, not only terrifies me it rips me apart entirely. and the thought of never speaking to this person again brings on such powerful pain that i don't even want to imagine my life without them. so you would thing that would be my answer right? well, if there's one thing i've learned thus far in my life it's that nothing is that simple. nothing..

handed simply

here i have compiled thoughts, that no one reads.


which is fine, i do not write to be read.


i write to breathe. for if i do not write i cannot sit. i walk around in circles and stare at the sky.

life isn't simple. i feel as though it could be, we just make everything so complicated. yesterday, i was thinking of the formula of things. how every little thing possibly fits inside a tiny formula, formulated and crafted by our tiny hands yet no one follows them. they take rights instead of lefts and ups instead of downs. perhaps, that's looking at the glass half empty side of things, but i don't really think so. i know there is no such thing as black and white-everything is gray. if everyone would just realize that simple fact we wouldn't be in the mess we are in. things have gotten out of hand.

the question is-which hand? the right? or the left?





p.s. some wonderful news on the horizon. i finally had the inspiration to create again. i write, yes. but the actual sense of wanting to create some form of art that involves color and shapes, i have not had the desire. it seems as though i am losing that part of me. or i associate that aspect of creating with a not so pleasant time in my life and when i try to paint or draw i am consumed with a negative feeling. i love it when i get the sense of wanting to create though, however am very sad when my creation is almost done. that's where i'm at now. it's positive that i have drawn and being inspired is wonderful but it's almost done. and i will give it to the intended receiver and hopefully they might appreciate the piece of me i am sharing with them. i guess that's the other reason why it's hard for me to engage in those things now. i put so much of myself into pieces like this that it becomes an emotional experience.

sometimes lonely isn't sad

i often think of loneliness, because i always thought i was drowning in a sea of lonely. however, i have come to realize i quite enjoy being in the company of myself. this is weird for some people. so instead of feeling "so lonesome i could cry." i feel somewhat like a freak. i'm quite different from most people, i tell people this to warn them or something and they don't seem to believe me. i've started thinking of this so much more lately because i took that meyer's briggs personality test, and although my personality given to me is completely accurate it's a little unnerving. according to the test i am an intj (introverted intuitive thinking judging). well i began researching it a bit more (because that's what i do) and it turns out mine is quite rare about 1-2% of the world's population. then i read more to find out that women with this personality makes up .005% of the population. at first i was excited about this and i still am to a certain extent. except there's one problem, i truly don't get along with most people. i can be cordial of course, but as far as fitting in somewhere i just don't. which is fine, i suppose i'm used to it. it was fine in high school because i got along with everyone because i have so many different interests, but now that i'm in college it has become quite difficult for me to make friends. like i said, i enjoy my own company very much but i also enjoy the company of others. and sometimes i get sick of it just being me. it comes in handy because it allows me to focus on my school and such. but it makes my social life a little more difficult, especially with dating. i'm not a flirt, frankly i really don't feel like i think like most girls actually i know i don't. i can talk about fashion and stuff like that but i don't entirely enjoy it. which is actually funny because when i was younger i somehow thought i would go into fashion (kind of a joke). i enjoy intellectual conversations and honestly i don't have much patience for unintelligent people. i'm not saying girls aren't intelligent because they are but at this stage in our lives i do not seem to connect with them. i don't do the normal college things. i don't really care to party because i don't enjoy being around large groups of people all the time which i'm fine with but it makes it a little harder to make friends. my idea of fun is either some kind of extreme sport or reading a book not exactly typical girl things to do. perhaps, the reading, but i can't seem to stomach girly fiction anymore. i like to read intellectually stimulating books.

like i said, i love how i am and who i am but it's interesting to observe how different everyone else seems to be from me. i'm very independent which seems to be a problem for some people. i'm extremely private, i don't share my deep issues with the world, which also people have had a problem with especially in dating. it's not something i'm willing to change, i mean i don't let people in until i trust them and my trust is something you have to gain i don't just give it freely. i guess my whole point is just interesting living this way...

dear earth (on earth day),

dear earth,

i believe in you. i don’t believe in much lately, but i believe in you. you should be allowed to breathe. i have recently set myself free, and you should too. it is just that-freeing that is. i don’t seem to write anymore, which is why i decided to write to you. you see, there are many changes coming about and i think you feel it too. nothing seems the same, but everything is the same. everything that once contradicted itself no longer does, because i chose something this past week. i chose not to believe.
when i chose this-not believe-i wonder who does it help if i can’t tell a soul? freedom doesn’t seem free if it isn’t release. what then does it become? it’s still a caged bird if you ask me, which i’m sure you understand plain as day. since, you still deal with this. people set you free, and keep you caged all the time. isn’t it sad? one would think freedom would come easier with age, but that doesn’t seem true. has freedom come with your age? i don’t suppose it has. perhaps, one day, but for now freedom is a caged bird or a trapped earth in your case.

sincerely,
the caged bird

dear latest memory,

I pulled you out of your box last night; it's the first time I've put you on in over a year. I needed to feel you. I've been feeling you more lately, but I wanted something tangible against my skin. So I put you on. I fell asleep in your almost arms and rested against you all night. Only to awaken to find I'm not sleeping with you and I haven't for quite some time. I keep trying to convince everyone (especially myself) I've moved on. I guess that's more like a joke. So while I'm fooling everyone and foolishly waiting, I'll put you on.

Sincerely,
the other half of the green chair

dear one i do not know

dear one i do not know,
tomorrow came faster than we thought, did it not? do you remember the dreams we had? do you remember the plans we made? i do. the goals have faded into ashes. the dreams like smoke from that cigarette i smoked three months ago. ashes ashes ashes we all fall down. isn't that what we used to sing dancing in that living room? they told us the sky is the limit. (they didn't take in to consideration that the sky ends.) i've thought of this, you know. that seems to be the only thing my thoughts consist of. where did we go wrong? when did we lose sight of the path? was there ever a path to begin with? or was it something we dreamed up or a parent told us? i think it is the second one. so many times one loses sight of their own ambitions and takes hold of those ambitions others have for them. this is what happened to us. now we are sinking in quicksand and there is an end to the sky.
yours truly,
other self