sleep through the static

as usual i should be sleeping but i can't and i don't think its just all the coffee i had. i reread that quote i have on here somewhere "There are two tragedies in life, one is to lose your hearts desire, the other is to gain it." by George Bernard Shaw. it has been one of my favorites for a few years now and i'm not really sure why. most people think its depressing but i don't. why? ok you have these desires these passions these things that make you get up in the morning and you know your life would be complete if you could have them. like one of mine for instance and perhaps my biggest as everyone knows is to have a family. but once i receive it the fight is over there's no more yearning. its not too tragic to me. but i just get what he was saying. i mean i haven't read the book i really need to (Man and Superman) so it may be different when i read it in context but still. i just enjoy it and maybe because it does give you a small sense of sadness. what is happiness if you don't have the bumps and bruises.

i would like to make a list of goals. and since a new year is already creeping up its appropriate. now these are not new years revolutions i don't make those because i never fulfill those. these are just my "desires" and im pretty sure i've already made a list like this on here but whatever it just is nice to repeat them then they stick and i know for a fact i must complete them. we can call this my "bucket list":
1 go to ireland
2 cliff jumping
3 learn to ride a dirt bike
4 sky dive
5 scuba dive
6 ski in the swiss alps
7 heli-ski
8 be able to snowboard and do all the terrain parks
9 go camping
10 white water rafting
11 learn spanish
12 buy a ridiculously expensive dress like an oscar de la renta
13 learn to salsa/ballroom/line basically all kinds of dance
14 own my own horse
15 ride bareback through a field
16 go hunting
17 surf
18 windsurf
19 base jump
20 bungee jump

thats probably good enough for now but i'm sure i could come up with a 1000 things i want to do before i kick the bucket!

i don't know where i'm bound

that song continues to ring in my ears it's just so wise. good ole johnnny cash he knew. i'm feeling alot better now i know my last blog was about feeling alone and such. but here's my conclusion (at least for the moment), i have family i have friends they love me i'm not alone. so what if i'm not needed all the time i don't blame anyone for not needing me i act like i don't need anyone. which i don't most of the time. i'd like some companionship but everything else i can't let anyone help me with so i can't complain. that's the other thing i'm being such a baby lately cryin over the dumbest things oh poor me BS. i have it good compared to alot of people and i'm sick of hearin myself complain so that needs to end right about now. and here's my other conclusion i've always been so worried about what people think of me and that's getting old. if someone doesn't like me for who i am then tough because i'm not changing and i for sure am not fake and i'm not about to start to be. so i don't have fun doing the stuff every other normal college student does that is no shocker when have i ever been normal NEVER. i was the oddest little kid and i still am and i love it. i love being different than everyone else. so here's what i am. today i read in a book that people from Texas have the most the most pride blah blah but it said that when they travel they don't say yeah i'm an american they say i'm a texan. no direspect to the coutry its just that we're texans first and americans second. we have a duty to our homeland that is born into is. so that's what i am a texan first. i'm learning how much i really love the outdoors so much. bugs don't bother me. i know how to get dirty probably more than most boys now-a-days. i feel more like a woman when i wear my boots ( i hate heels i can never walk in them) boots give me confidence. i want to be like the zac brown band song "a different kind of fine" "a lawyer's queen and a truckers dream in a baseball hat fit for a queen a genuine, a different kind of fine cadillacs and caviar, well that ain't how she rolls implants and tummy tucks, she sure don't need those she's a cool drink of water when the summers mean poured into those Levis jeans she's country as the day is long." i do love to get all dressed up and i still love the ballet but i'd pick rudy's over some fancy schmancy place any day. i'm just a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl. so yeah that's what i've figure out and that's good enough for me.

when when when

i am a machine tonight and i have to be fast because my computer is about to dieeee

well can i just say that i feel quite sick of being so freaking alone

i realize i am not alone i am surrounded by friends and family
but i feel so incredibly alone i could probably throw up right now

why is this? it is the most annoying feeling in the world

sickening sickening sickening

i keep saying i need to be needed

because take my mom for instance i worry about her constantly (she's a single parent ya know) and she has friends but she doesn't hang out with them on a regular basis or anything

but i feel like she doesnt even need me

my friends don't really seem like they need me

especially now..most of them have boyfriends who have become their best friends so what am i now? the back seat friend? the acquaintance? the facebook friend? oh palease i hate facebook and yet i am always on it why because i have no life

well i have a life it just isn't very fun right now

it should be
these are supposed to be the best damn years of my life

so please someone enlighten me to when the fun actually begins

when does the loneliness go away?

when do i get to feel for more than just one day that i am actually normal whatever the hell that is

when when when?

i'm not the type of person who needs anyone i've learned to fend for myself and it sucks

i can fight my own battles i usually do

but when do i get to have someone to fight for me?

i'm tired

i've been fighting for almost 19 years and ya know i dont think that's really healthy

when do i get to be with someone where i don't have to have a freaking guard up the whole time

see that's my other thing i have the weirdest intuition some people say it's a "gift" it is but it has its downfalls

it is physically impossible for me to do anything that will go against it which is good

so i have to go around it

do crazy things like extreme sports anyways not the point

I NEED TO BE NEEDED

I NEED TO BE ABLE TO LET ME GUARD DOWN

and not get hurt

i am so tired of getting hurt by everyone

dont be fake with me

tell me straight from the beginning what it is you expect from me
i don't have time or ENERGY to deal with your bullmalarchy

ok my computer is telling me it is time to shutdown

running is a never ending game

i'm running away
from you
from them
i'm running to
some thing
i do not know

i cannot trust
the words people say
i cannot the trust actions
anyways

i'm relying on self
scared to death
i'm losing strength
losing breathe

becoming your own best friend
is unhealthy

i need to be
able to
rely on someone
trust someone
see someone
where is someone?

i'm wandering through
an endless dark
the woods are trapping
me into

my dreams are so real
my reality is untrue

i do not know what is real
i do not know what i feel

i forget the past
and plan the future

i lose myself
in passions unknown

i try to trust
and push away

i find flaws
i run away

i do not know what is real
i do not know what to feel

i trip over my own feet
scar my own knees
sink in my pillow

try to forget
try to remember

i do not know what is real
i do not know what to feel

so i stick to a path
that i make up

when something goes wrong
i run to a knew place

keep me here
stop my run
do not leave
for once

i do not know what is real
i do not know what to feel

tell me you need me
unlike anyone else

i need to be needed
i will stop my run
if needed

my philosophy sucks
leave before they leave me

i do not know what is real
i do not know what to feel

just ask me not to go
tell me to stay
don't give me a choice
or i'll run away

plane rides

i sat next to him on the plane
we talked about our love for our state

i switched planes

i sat next to him on the plane
he was unpleasant

he touched my leg
i tried to move

he followed me
in the elevator

i called
on the phone

i stayed
back

he left

i sat next to him on the plane
we talked about our never being able to leave

sad thing is

i did not catch his name

not the one who touched my leg

the one who chatted about our state

pick me up

Pick me up
Pick me up
Pick me up
Pick me up
Pick me up
Annoying
Pick me up
Pick me up
Pick me up
Pick me up
Wanting
Pick me up
Pick me up
Pick me up
A
Pick me up
Pick me up
Pick me up
Sparrow
Pick me up
Pick me up
To
Pick me up
Pick me up
Pick me up
Pick me up
Pick me up
Follow
Pick me up
Pick me up
Pick me up
Pick me up
Me
Pick me up
Pick me up
Pick me up
Wasting
Pick me up
Pick me up
Time
Pick me up

good riddance goodbye

i get on a plane tomorrow to go home to texas

am i goin home or just another vacation of my life?

we'll find out

oh well i've made some good friends

i think i want to go to louisiana 

just for a bit

eat some cajun

have some people call me babay

it'll be a grand time

i'm watchin divine secrets of yaya sisterhood

it always makes me sad

(also makes me think i want to go to louisiana)

it reminds me of my family

but then again it doesn't

i don't really know why it reminds me

i do think that i may end up like that

some crazy ole woman

drinkin bloody marys in the morning

what a laugh that will be

i was sad earlier this week to leave a place

and a someone

but now i'm not

i am anxious to get on that plane

ready to go home

and yes i think it's home

i don't think its where i'll rest forever

i have too much of a wandering soul

but i'll stay for a while

drink some coffee

eat some mexicain food

have some laughs

and then i'll move on

who knows if i'll be ready

maybe i will

maybe my move to chicago

will make it easier for me to move again

i am sad

however

to leave the snow

it's supposed to be 80 degrees tomorrow

but for the first time 

i'm happy for it

it won't be the first time i wear shorts on christmas

my birthday is friday

and i'm not as excited as usual

it should be fun though

i might get to ride a horse

that will be nice

i keep forgetting my memories

where do they go?

oh for pete's sake

what a great quote

my thoughts are a little random

they usually are

i think this is all 

it never is

i will go on forever

i need to stop

good riddance goodbye

weather or not it's snow

i walked home in the snow

after i saw you for maybe the last time

i looked to the sky as i walked

the snowflakes landed in my eyes

kissed my lips

i was glad

but sad

all in the same instance

i started to cry

singing blue christmas in my head

wishing you were walking with me

i passed that corner you hate

but secretly love

because i always make you stop to peak

i passed the place we used to go

once week

i said goodbye to that part of town

soon i will have to say goodbye to you

i do not want to cry

but the thought makes me cry none the less

we have finals this week

my head thinks of you

i should study

but instead i wander

back to that corner

where we laughed over something you said

sometimes i wake up

i don't know where i am

i wander if i meant to go there

to meet you

one last time

but instead i wake up

get off the couch

realize i am getting closer

to leaving you

to going where i wished

leaving you

getting what i wished

leaving you

getting what i wished

je suis triste

do you ever have those moments when you really need to cry but you just can't? that's kind of how i feel right now. i'm really happy i mean i should be i'm getting what i want i'm moving back to texas. but i can't help but think if some things had gone differently i know i would be staying. i don't regret it. but i'm just sad is all i've made some good friends here a few of the best i think. there are two people in particular that seriously i have never felt more comfortable with in my life. i feel like i can be my total self..goofy and just all over the place say anythin and they won't judge me. what's funny is they probably don't even know it. i also don't like how when i'm about to move somewhere its like i become my complete self in front of everyone. i stop caring what people think because i know i will never see them again. why? see the other weird thing is i'm like one big paradox. i cling to some people and never want to lose these relationships but then theres a realistic lil voice in my head that says well you know you won't ever see these people again (not the ones i cling to but the acquaintances) i know its normal to not feel bad for losing the relationships with people you really didnt have them with in the first place. but what about the ones i want to keep? one in particular i dont think i can lose. like i said before i feel so comfortable with them. its like when i am in their presence everything makes sense in that moment and i dont ever worry about anything. i get lost in the time and never realize how fast it seems to pass. but does this person want to stay in touch with me? i don't know how i will handle that. what if i am running away from the very thing i should be running to? why am i always running? i don't even like wearing tennis shoes.


what a tragedy have to lie to oneself.

stabilize my stability

will you stabilize my stability?
as i sit here all alone
will you hold my hand?
as i wash away
will you sit down with me?
as i'm crying in my hands
will you walk with me?
as i'm scared from the past
will you make my nightmares disappear?
as i sleep in my bed
will you take away my loneliness?
as i feel so alone
will you make my eyes cry?
as i fakely smile
will you jump with me?
as i step up to the cliff
will you hold my hand?
as i take the leap
will you stay with me?
as i am and will be
will you love me?
as i am afraid of being loved
will you not walk away?
as everyone else has
will you stabilize my stability?
as i always change my mind
will you make me brave?
as i fear pain
will you stay for a while longer?
as i am not sure i will last
will you?
as i am
will you?
as i am
will you stabilize
my stability
as
i
am
alone

can't sleep

well it's almost 2 am and of course i can't sleep. i don't know why but i feel extremely sad. i had a good day it snowed and i took pictures nothing big but very good. i've just been feeling so alone lately. i wish i could fix it but i don't know how. i'm around people all the time, i have great friends but i still feel completely alone. i want to be close to people, i want to get over what ever the hell this thing is that keeps me from it. i think it's fear. but how can i be so afraid of getting close to people when i want to jump off of cliffs? seriously that is all i feel like doing right now. i want to feel free. but i dont at all i feel trapped. trapped inside myself? trapped in my circumstance? i dont really know what i'm trapped in but i am. and i cant seem to get out. i feel like im in a card board box with all the sides taped up and all there is a little peep hole that lets in a little sunlight. there's this johnny cash song that says I don't know where I'm bound, I don't know where I'm bound,
whistles calling me away, leaving at the break of day,
and I don't know where I'm bound.

Can't stand locks, bars, doors,
mean cops, insanity, and wars;
gotta find a place of peace,
until then, my traveling won't cease,
but I don't know where I'm bound.

There's gotta be a place for me,
under some green growing tree;
with clear cool water running by,
an unfettered view of the sky,
but I don't know where I'm bound.

When I die, don't bury me,
cause then I must be free;
cremate my body with a grin,
throw my ashes to the wind,
cause I don't know where I'm bound.

I don't know where I'm bound, I don't know where I'm bound,
whistles calling me away, leaving at the break of day,
and I don't know where I'm bound.

Got myself a little gal,
she has been a downright pal;
that old highway's calling me,
and free I gotta be,
but I don't know where I'm bound, I don't know where I'm bound.

I don't know where I'm bound.

that about sums it up. i really don't know where i'm bound. i think i'm headed to work with horses but what if that doesn't work out? i change my mind like i change my socks and i'm sick of it. i want some freaking stability. that's it i need stability in my life. i don't feel like any area has it. my family is screwed up i mean so is everyone else's but mine's not even around. i don't have a boyfriend not that i need one but it would be really nice right about now. but then again there's that whole fear of getting hurt. it just goes in circles and it feels never ending. i don't know where i'm bound i don't know where i'm bound.

i love being lonesome but i don't like bein lonely

i have a feeling i already wrote about this but i can't help it. i have to repeat things until i figure them out. so here is me anazyling and babbling again.

or maybe this is my goals i'm not sure yet.

well here are the goals first:
i want to try every extreme sport possible
cliff diving is probably at the top of my list
i'd like to drive a dirt bike at least once
skydiving
surfing (again)
white water rafting
heliskiing (that might not be the correct name)
rock climbing
camping if that counts
hunting/fishing
...there's more i just can't think of them right now
i want to go to ireland
i want to play my guitar and sing for a big group of people
i want to fall in love
i want to feel free

ok now let's pause and talk about the freedom part

i feel so trapped right now and i'm not really sure what's keeping me back.

thats my thoughts for the day

it is lateee

ok i should be asleep but i'm not because my mind is going wild

all i think about now are horses especially Grayson.

see Grayson is an adoptable horse from Habitat for Horses. i dream of riding him. literally. i just can't bring myself to ask my mom if i can buy him though. i mean i would pay for him as much as i could. and i'd volunteer at his stable so i could maybe get a discounted price for his stay.

he is so beautiful.

the saddest part or maybe the oddest part i don't really know what you'd call it: i don't even think i've thought of my ex-boyfriends (while i was dating them) as much as i think about this horse. during class when i'm bored to death i picture myself riding bareback through the woods or open land wherever. just me and Grayson no one with us.

see i think i know why i want to try to go into this so badly. i've been analyzing it through and through because that is what i do. and here is what i have come up with:

1. there's that whole masochist part of me which my last post explains
2. i am constantly looking for something that will make me feel free. and every book i have been reading lately (about horses) and all the research i've done has concluded to say that horses help you achieve this
3. i am terrified to my every being of getting close to people and once again my research has shown that horses help you communicate better.
4. i just really need something to help my mind settle from everything from this past year

see i've been to a counselor and it just didn't seem like it helped because to me its nothing for me to just tell people what's happened to me. it's kind of this weird thing i feel like i can do (and maybe everyone can and i just don't know it) but i seperate myself. i can tell you what has happened and how terrible i feel but i'm not really letting anyone in while doing this.

so i just try to help myself now which is why i'm such an analyzer. its annoying really i read so much in to the stupidest things. i mean that does have a lot to do with me being a girl too but whatever.

ok so as usual my thoughts are all over the place and this may not make any sense. but that's ok.

i was telling a friend today how i constantly feel like i'm running and i think i might have mentioned this in my last post but its getting old.

i ran to chicago to get away from the mess here and thats just gotten me into an even bigger mess because it sucks there (not anymore since im moving back but it did p.s. i dont regret it it was a good life experience) and i'm still dealing with the same problems from here just now im a 1000 miles away and dealing with them all alone.

which brings me to my next point. i always tell people i like to be alone. well truth is thats a big fat lie i hate being alone. i just don't know how to be with people.

sounds crazy right? maybe not but i dont like it. i'm so used to being alone that i think that i have to be or something? and when i actually do get the chance to be with people i screw it up. maybe. i think too much i know. sometimes i wish i could live in someone else's life for just a day. to see what it feels like to have everything in order. because i feel so discombobbled that i don't even know what to do with myself.

so i guess now i will try to sleep where i will dream of Grayson the horse i have not met yet but have fallen in love with. the one i want to buy so badly but i dont know if that is too ridiculous to ask? but hey i do have some farfetched ideas it's kind of who i am so it wouldn't be an out of the ordinary question.

am i a masochist?

i seem to want to do things just for the thrill of putting my life in danger

i have decided i want to work with horses not just because i really do want to do something that makes a difference but more because of the dangerous part..on any given day i could die if the horse decided to act up. now tell me you wouldn't want that thought everyday.

i want to try every extreme sport there is.why? good question.
my life could end at that very moment if something went wrong. now don't get me wrong i am in no way suicidal hell no. there is such an adrenaline rush you feel when in danger.

i know to most people i am too cautious and maybe that is because if i did what i really wanted to if i was who i really am i probably wouldn't be here anymore.

in chicago every time i pass an alley i want to walk through it just to see if someone does come out and try to take my purse or whatever the hell it is they do. why? the thrill. if i made it through untouched well that would be cool too i guess.

if i had the athletic ability i would love to ride bulls. because i get a thrill just watching them so i'm pretty sure that the rush of actually riding is unlike anything.

i have never broken a bone.

i always stay in the lines.

and frankly i'm sick of it.

i push people away: 1 because i am afraid they will hurt me. 2 i know i will end up hurting them so i hurt them and hurt me by pushing them away.

i say i like to be alone.

i do.

for the most part...
but i do not want to die alone. see these thoughts remind me of the ingrid michaelson song called "masochist" (She says you're a masochist for falling for me,
So roll up your sleeves.
And I think that I like her, 'cuz she tells me things I don't want to hear,
Medicinal tongue in my ear.

When will it stop? When will it stop?

When will I feel all soft on the inside?
When will I feel all soft on the inside?
When will I feel soft, soft?

You say that my skin feels like no one else's,
That it's different somehow.
But I don't understand, isn't a hand just a hand?
No you don't understand.

When will it start? My broken part?

When will I feel all soft on the inside?
When will I feel all soft on the inside?
When will I feel soft, soft?

Oooo

When will I feel all soft on the inside?
When will I feel all soft on the inside?
When will I feel soft, soft?

She says you're a masochist for falling for me.)

maybe that's it. maybe i'm not the masochist. maybe it is the people who dare to try to be near me.

i try to warn people but some don't listen. most do.

and so i carry on.

alone..

masochist? maybe

thrill? for sure

should you dare? probably not

a thought should come from somewhere

dear baby spice,
i will miss your face! our dance parties. oh how i wish we could have been roomies. we would have been such great pals, good thing we still are.
tomorrow i leave for thanksgiving, and you will leave too. we do not know when we will see each other again.
but i have to say i will miss you more than others. you make me laugh and we go crazy. having duels on michigan avenue. dressing up like spice girls.
what will i do without you?
"wait don't come in here i have a surprise for you"
"yolk, yolk, yolk"
isn't here just there without a "t"?
all of this to say i miss you now before i move and then after until i get to see you again.
love
posh spice