I pulled you out of your box last night; it's the first time I've put you on in over a year. I needed to feel you. I've been feeling you more lately, but I wanted something tangible against my skin. So I put you on. I fell asleep in your almost arms and rested against you all night. Only to awaken to find I'm not sleeping with you and I haven't for quite some time. I keep trying to convince everyone (especially myself) I've moved on. I guess that's more like a joke. So while I'm fooling everyone and foolishly waiting, I'll put you on.
Sincerely,
the other half of the green chair
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
dear one i do not know
dear one i do not know,
tomorrow came faster than we thought, did it not? do you remember the dreams we had? do you remember the plans we made? i do. the goals have faded into ashes. the dreams like smoke from that cigarette i smoked three months ago. ashes ashes ashes we all fall down. isn't that what we used to sing dancing in that living room? they told us the sky is the limit. (they didn't take in to consideration that the sky ends.) i've thought of this, you know. that seems to be the only thing my thoughts consist of. where did we go wrong? when did we lose sight of the path? was there ever a path to begin with? or was it something we dreamed up or a parent told us? i think it is the second one. so many times one loses sight of their own ambitions and takes hold of those ambitions others have for them. this is what happened to us. now we are sinking in quicksand and there is an end to the sky.
yours truly,
other self
tomorrow came faster than we thought, did it not? do you remember the dreams we had? do you remember the plans we made? i do. the goals have faded into ashes. the dreams like smoke from that cigarette i smoked three months ago. ashes ashes ashes we all fall down. isn't that what we used to sing dancing in that living room? they told us the sky is the limit. (they didn't take in to consideration that the sky ends.) i've thought of this, you know. that seems to be the only thing my thoughts consist of. where did we go wrong? when did we lose sight of the path? was there ever a path to begin with? or was it something we dreamed up or a parent told us? i think it is the second one. so many times one loses sight of their own ambitions and takes hold of those ambitions others have for them. this is what happened to us. now we are sinking in quicksand and there is an end to the sky.
yours truly,
other self
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Screaming
Get out! Get out!
Is all she yells
At the furry thing.
No! No!
Is all she says
Screaming under breath.
(Yes! Yes!)
Is all she wants
To say to every-thing.
Screaming, Screaming.
Whispers all the words.
She tells the little furry thing
"I love you all the while."
No! No!
She shouts again
Every other hour.
No! No!
Get Out! Get Out!
(Yes! Yes! I relinquish myself.)
Is all she yells
At the furry thing.
No! No!
Is all she says
Screaming under breath.
(Yes! Yes!)
Is all she wants
To say to every-thing.
Screaming, Screaming.
Whispers all the words.
She tells the little furry thing
"I love you all the while."
No! No!
She shouts again
Every other hour.
No! No!
Get Out! Get Out!
(Yes! Yes! I relinquish myself.)
untitled institution
the institutions all the same
the words they say
the oxygen in their lungs
every message holds
the same information
one could have learned
from being in their age
i want to be in challenge
to get close to the edge
i want to read the Book
and find out what it says
i don't need to know
compassion
i've learned it once before
what we really need is
convictions
that aren't lying on the floor
pick up your act
step outside yourself
take a leap into
the out of self
you've made
i'm sick of hearing
the same thing Every-time
sick of repetition
when all they are
are lies
i want to be real
i want to set apart
a self
that is not one's self
a self that is so far
the words they say
the oxygen in their lungs
every message holds
the same information
one could have learned
from being in their age
i want to be in challenge
to get close to the edge
i want to read the Book
and find out what it says
i don't need to know
compassion
i've learned it once before
what we really need is
convictions
that aren't lying on the floor
pick up your act
step outside yourself
take a leap into
the out of self
you've made
i'm sick of hearing
the same thing Every-time
sick of repetition
when all they are
are lies
i want to be real
i want to set apart
a self
that is not one's self
a self that is so far
Saturday, July 25, 2009
i wIll not be there
when i thInk
Of all the ThIngs
that could go wrong
all the brIdges
that could have Burned
From the songs
i dIdn't sIng
from the rIngIng
In your voIce
all the tImes
i dIdn't say
all the forgets
and tomorrows
i dIdn't pray
the questIons
one should Never Ask
the WIndIng way
wIll make one stray
If the eye
Is not careful
EnougH
all the endIngs
could go wrong
all the lyrIcs
of a song
fall down
a draIn
In the SIlence
of sweet raIn
If one fall
Is not enough
If one song
goes unsung
If one word
goes unsaId
i wIll not be there.
Of all the ThIngs
that could go wrong
all the brIdges
that could have Burned
From the songs
i dIdn't sIng
from the rIngIng
In your voIce
all the tImes
i dIdn't say
all the forgets
and tomorrows
i dIdn't pray
the questIons
one should Never Ask
the WIndIng way
wIll make one stray
If the eye
Is not careful
EnougH
all the endIngs
could go wrong
all the lyrIcs
of a song
fall down
a draIn
In the SIlence
of sweet raIn
If one fall
Is not enough
If one song
goes unsung
If one word
goes unsaId
i wIll not be there.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Nerves
Nerves - nerves.
Gracious nerves
Nerves floating
So free.
They fly
and fly
And then
They land
Like a
Little Bee.
Buzz - Buzz
Goes the
Bee Buzz.
Fuzz - Fuzz
On His
Tail.
Calm - calm
oh, so
calm.
Like the
ocean tide.
Float - float
on a
Raft.
In the
sea.
Share - share
all your
thoughts.
With that
little Bee.
Come - come
we will
walk
into
E-ternity.
Sleep - sleep
I may sleep
until that
day
will come.
Float - float
Buzz - buzz
Someone
calm
These
Nerves.
Gracious nerves
Nerves floating
So free.
They fly
and fly
And then
They land
Like a
Little Bee.
Buzz - Buzz
Goes the
Bee Buzz.
Fuzz - Fuzz
On His
Tail.
Calm - calm
oh, so
calm.
Like the
ocean tide.
Float - float
on a
Raft.
In the
sea.
Share - share
all your
thoughts.
With that
little Bee.
Come - come
we will
walk
into
E-ternity.
Sleep - sleep
I may sleep
until that
day
will come.
Float - float
Buzz - buzz
Someone
calm
These
Nerves.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Period.
The ink is bleeding from my pen.
Comma splices through my head,
Constraints-on-every-word-I-say.
Lukewarm coffee on my tongue.
I cannot write,
For all seems undone.
The Santa Anas have come to Texas
Screwing up our flow.
I swear this is why
No one seems to show.
Isolated, in my house
And, no I don' hear a freaking mouse.
There's nothing romantic about this place;
It seems a bit like waste.
Punctuation has not an end.
Every period stops.
Every comma cuts,
Every exclamation point
Well, it can't exclaim much anymore.
Let's say period,
For all it needs is an end.
Comma splices through my head,
Constraints-on-every-word-I-say.
Lukewarm coffee on my tongue.
I cannot write,
For all seems undone.
The Santa Anas have come to Texas
Screwing up our flow.
I swear this is why
No one seems to show.
Isolated, in my house
And, no I don' hear a freaking mouse.
There's nothing romantic about this place;
It seems a bit like waste.
Punctuation has not an end.
Every period stops.
Every comma cuts,
Every exclamation point
Well, it can't exclaim much anymore.
Let's say period,
For all it needs is an end.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
baking from the heart
I have found a book to read! Julie and Julia: my year of cooking dangerously. I think it fits, don't you? Here is my latest thought: there are two things I know and love, writing and cooking. I am reading Julie Powell's story on her year of cooking, which also gives me some insight on Julia Child. So where is this going? I love to cook more than anything, almost more than I love to write. There's something about rolling out my made-from-scratch pie crust and getting it ready to fill. Every time I make a pie and give it someone it's like I'm giving them a little piece of me, I know that may sound ridiculous. But truly baking is the best therapy, it makes me relax and it makes me happy to know I'm making something for someone else (I usually don't eat very much of what I cook, I'm not sure why). Okay, do me a favor think of some place where you feel totally at rest. A place where you have no worries, no stress, nothing but pure bliss. Have you got it? What if a pie could capture that very essence? Where in every bite whether you were in the place of pure bliss or not, you would be able to escape and feel as though all is right. I don't have any clue how I could manage this. I mean I have to get a four year degree first according to my mother. But what if I could do it? What if all I did everyday was baked pies? How wonderful would that be! Like I said, I have no clue how it could work, but isn't that the beauty? These are my thoughts, and it may be my pursuit.
Monday, June 29, 2009
flying so you won't land
I feel guilty when I don't read. Like something in me is completely off when a book is not in my hands. That's who I am. Reading is what I do. And yet every book I seem to pick up lately doesn't grab my attention. They're all interesting, of course, I just can't seem to read them. It's quite frustrating. I am also wanting to go somewhere, far. Where no one knows me. Just for a week or a little more. I see all the pictures of people going to Europe. Oh how I wish I was going somewhere fabulous! I miss big trips. Traveling is still my middle name, but I don't go to the places I used to. Canada one year, Hawaii the next. I know I must sound like a brat, but that is not at all what I mean. My soul is restless, and when I stay in one place too long I go a bit mad. This worries me a tad, because I hope this does not mean I will always feel unsettled. It is more that I am terribly afraid to get settled and comfortable. It's only when one is comfortable that boat seems to be rocked. If one is always moving, there is nothing to rock. However, the downside is feeling constantly in motion, I suppose. Perhaps soon, yes quite soon, I will feel settled. We will see. Until then.
Have you ever thought of diving in a wishing well?
Or tumbling down a hill?
Jumping into a lake,
Full of tiny fish.
Leaping over flowers,
That stand tall in your way.
Laughing at the sound
Of birds chirping at noon.
I often sit in silence.
And wonder to myself.
What's in that wishing well?
If I were to dive,
Could I see the wishes
Or would they fall?
What if I captured your wish?
And set it free.
Then it came true.
What would you do?
Would you then come with me?
In search of my own.
Or would you stay
And waste the rest of days?
What makes up a wish?
How does it survive?
Against the stormy seas,
Of whistling wells
And charming bells.
I make no sense
I am aware
All I ask
Is will you fall?
If I dive in.
Would you come too?
Or would you stand,
Waiting on the land?
Have you ever thought of diving in a wishing well?
Or tumbling down a hill?
Jumping into a lake,
Full of tiny fish.
Leaping over flowers,
That stand tall in your way.
Laughing at the sound
Of birds chirping at noon.
I often sit in silence.
And wonder to myself.
What's in that wishing well?
If I were to dive,
Could I see the wishes
Or would they fall?
What if I captured your wish?
And set it free.
Then it came true.
What would you do?
Would you then come with me?
In search of my own.
Or would you stay
And waste the rest of days?
What makes up a wish?
How does it survive?
Against the stormy seas,
Of whistling wells
And charming bells.
I make no sense
I am aware
All I ask
Is will you fall?
If I dive in.
Would you come too?
Or would you stand,
Waiting on the land?
Thursday, June 18, 2009
roaming
It seems as though every time I write on here it is around 2:20, it must be some theme. Well the common theme is that I can't sleep. No shocker there! I have all these books I want to read; books that I've picked up and started but never finished. I can't seem to finish much anymore. I have essays that are already due and things I never seem to finish saying. People I keep missing. Things I want to do. So many things. I often go in circles. The things I once loved, I rediscover and it's better than the first time I found them. Things from my past. I guess I'm closing the book for tonight. I can't seem to read what it says, let alone write about it. I'll try to sleep but it seems my mind is on its own path tonight. Maybe it always travels on its own path. Or maybe I'm meant to roam.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
the irony of it all
I so often have so much that I would like to write about but I don't always put the pen to the paper or the fingers to the keys. I also don't want to write about useless things of no meaning, but I would certainly hope that matters of the life have much meaning. I know I have written about this many times, and it will probably be a reoccurring theme throughout my life. Before I begin talking about the subject I want to say something else. I am not looking for sympathy, and when people give me this is does nothing for me. These problems have yet to be fixed and I am doing everything I can to fix them, it's just not exactly working. Here is the issue...I am somewhat of a loner. Some people disagree. But let me explain to you my daily happenings. I awaken whatever time I want to, I eat whenever I want to, I go to sleep whenever I want to. But here's the thing, all of these things I do alone. Sure I may go out places just so I can at least be around human beings, but this doesn't fix anything. My mom gets home at about 8 o'clock, and yes I realize those things are about to change when I'm out on my own, but still. My only hope for human contact is cut short. Sure, I talk to people on the phone throughout the day. But that is not at all the same. I can't help but feeling totally and utterly alone most of the time. I strongly hate telling people about this, because you know the response I get. "Get over it, it's not that hard to make friends." Bullshit! I'd like to see any one of those people who tell me that crap in my situation and see how they handle it. Here's the other thing I am so sick of being the one doing all the work in my relationships! If I didn't put in effort, do you know that I would most likely have no friends? It's true, sad yes, but true. Just once, I would like to find someone who calls me to hang out. I've been a little bit of a shut in these past couple of days, just because I don't even want to deal with the outside world. I've gone places, yes, but not really seen too many people. I'm just tired. I'm tired of dealing with half my family disowning me, basically. I'm tired of friends who don't seem to care what the hell is happening in my life. Maybe I'm the problem, I don't know. But what I do know is if I am, I've been listening to a hell of a lot of other people's problems. I'm sick of being invisible. Because when I actually do go out with friends, I get stepped on and go completely unnoticed. It's truly every girl's dream, let me tell ya. Look, I'm not trying to complain, I know that's what I'm doing but truly I'm just sick of it. When am I going to actually feel like I belong somewhere? Don't get me wrong it's not like my life is in the crapper. I'm just in a "transitional" period of my life, whatever the hell that means. And frankly, I'd be totally fine if I could move on. I've never been one to scream for the center of attention. The way I see it, is if someone does give me attention it's because they actually noticed me for me, not someone being flashy and flaunting themselves in front of anyone. I'm not really a flirt, because again I like to be real with people. Don't get me wrong I enjoy things like flirting. Honestly, I don't really know how to explain what I am trying to say on that topic. I'm just trying to reiterate how tired I am of seemingly slipping into the background all the time. Maybe soon it will be my turn. Until then, I will just suck it up keep living life to the fullest and look forward to the future. Again, I do know this is just a stage, and by no means am I sulking I guess it's just been really bothering me. And I'm also getting really sick of not being able to sleep. Toss and turn is all I do. Palease! I am ready for the next stage of life, before I actually do start sulking. Haha not really, I'm just being dramatic. I'd really like some friends too, because even though I'm good at being a loner it's not exactly natural feeling and I don't love it. Oh haha you know what someone told me, well if you don't like going places alone then why don't you invite someone. I think the line "don't judge until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes" is very fitting in this instance. Anyways, I'm just trying to get it off my chest. And that's all folks..
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
lost on the way
i can't seem to write when i am happy.
all the passion is lost from my words.
or perhaps i am only lost on my way to wuthering heights.
lost between the words happy and joy.
would you meet me at the moors where i can be your queen?
the juice box is empty and still i have no words.
must there be that word to make them flow from fingers.
when i leap into that place.
jump down from there.
ran to the moors.
meet me there?
at the moors?
all the passion is lost from my words.
or perhaps i am only lost on my way to wuthering heights.
lost between the words happy and joy.
would you meet me at the moors where i can be your queen?
the juice box is empty and still i have no words.
must there be that word to make them flow from fingers.
when i leap into that place.
jump down from there.
ran to the moors.
meet me there?
at the moors?
Thursday, April 9, 2009
mmhmm..
so this is just crazy. Lately I've just felt so alive! I finished that Captivating book and I've just realized so much. One) God has a plan for my life. This big Guy who created this whole world wants my life to mean something in His Kingdom. My goodness! I've been going to an amazing church. And I have no idea where I'm headed but I know it's to somewhere great. I'm basically up for anything, which can be kind of scary. Because I know that when God hears that (of course He already knew it) He's like ok well then how about you go here ha! Who knows where He'll send me. Two) This femininity that I have is okay and good. Who would've thought. In a day with a bunch of feminists it's hard to see that it's okay to want to be a housewife. I still enjoy adventure probably even more now. I don't know now I've lost my thoughts again haha but everything is looking up! Good newssss
Saturday, March 28, 2009
i married adventure
think about that. how wonderful would it be to be toward the end of your life and people ask are you happy with who you married? and you could answer why of course i am, i married adventure! i only hope that is what i am able to say. Osa Johnson felt this same way. I've been reading her memoir it's spectacular. It's about her and her husband Martin Johnson who sailed the world so he could take pictures of cannibals and savages. It's riveting. Although in my case I think it is the other way around, because all I talk about is going on adventures. But just think to get some of the first pictures of these savages and wild animals it would have been incredible. That's what I want so bad. I want to do something incredible. Something life altering. Not because I want to be known, rather because it would just be amazing. There aren't any words to describe what I want to say.I want to capture moments on film that move people to tears. Things people can relate to.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
on not sleeping
why is sleep the hardest thing to catch? it's like this constant race, trying to catch up to it but you just can't. you're so close to it, but it always slips through your fingers. perhaps, my not being able to sleep has something to do with today. it wasn't a very good day to say the least. I didn't wake up in time for my class; I was so upset too this is the first math I've missed. I didn't even hear the stupid alarm clock. Then I open my door to find a note from my mom, I started to smile a bit and then I read it. Something about the dogs making a mess. Yes, that is exactly what I needed. As the day went on I tried to get over it, and I somewhat did successfully. At least until, I began to have this very odd thing happen. I suddenly couldn't breathe, and felt like my chest was closing in on itself. Not a very good feeling. I must say, I had never it before either. I think it was anxiety. Then some other crappy things happened, and I came home to more crap. So basically, I have decided this day has now been flushed down the toilet. Now on to the sleep problem. I really don't understand why I can't go to sleep. I'm exhausted. But I'm just laying thinking, oh my mind what an annoying thing I cannot turn off. It thinks about everything constantly, always analyzing. Quite terrible you see, when trying to catch up with dear old sleep. I guess rambling was all I needed because now I feel like I could sleep, so I'm going to try before I lose it again.
For Jane: With All the Love I Had, Which Was Not Enough:
by:Charles Bukowski
I pick up the skirt,
I pick up the sparkling beads
in black,
this thing that moved once
around flesh,
and I call God a liar,
I say anything that moved
like that
or knew
my name
could never die
in the common verity of dying,
and I pick
up her lovely
dress,
all her loveliness gone,
and I speak to all the gods,
Jewish gods, Christ-gods,
chips of blinking things,
idols, pills, bread,
fathoms, risks,
knowledgeable surrender,
rats in the gravy of two gone quite mad
without a chance,
hummingbird knowledge, hummingbird chance,
I lean upon this,
I lean on all of this
and I know
her dress upon my arm
but
they will not
give her back to me.
For Jane: With All the Love I Had, Which Was Not Enough:
by:Charles Bukowski
I pick up the skirt,
I pick up the sparkling beads
in black,
this thing that moved once
around flesh,
and I call God a liar,
I say anything that moved
like that
or knew
my name
could never die
in the common verity of dying,
and I pick
up her lovely
dress,
all her loveliness gone,
and I speak to all the gods,
Jewish gods, Christ-gods,
chips of blinking things,
idols, pills, bread,
fathoms, risks,
knowledgeable surrender,
rats in the gravy of two gone quite mad
without a chance,
hummingbird knowledge, hummingbird chance,
I lean upon this,
I lean on all of this
and I know
her dress upon my arm
but
they will not
give her back to me.
Monday, February 16, 2009
don't pause before you walk
Tell me, what is at the end of an “I”? What comes before or after it? How many times do I have to scream at the top of my lungs? Come here. Don’t pause before you walk. Briskly over there. People are terrified the sky will fall. It does, everyday. My children will hear these terrible realities and read the news and ask the questions. I will fall and then walk, not pause. I want to know where you are from. Do you fear the sky? Or do you live until the day is done? Do you like peas in your salad? How many times do I have to scream at the top of my lungs? Watch out for the sky. Don’t pause before you walk. Take a hand when it is given. If it is not, take the next or the next and walk beside until the day is done. Do write of the times. Your children will want to hear. At the end of the I is you. You are the end of me. the beginning of us. The start of a life. tell me, what is your dream? Is it falling in the sky? Or jumping to the land? I have the hand. Walk beside, don’t pause.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
get off that horse
I keep gettin on and off, on and off.
What do you want to do when you grow up?
What's your major?
#1 I want to do something that will benefit someone else and make me happy. I want to be a good influence and somehow make a difference even if it's minuscule.
#2 I change everyday.
I went to Chicago, I thought I was going to become the next Ana Wintour. Ha! I don't have the drive to do that. I love to write that is obvious, but I would not enjoy reporting. Even if it was about fashion (which I do love and always will). I will always write I have no doubt. I go through dry periods, sure. That's not the point, I think I've said before how it's the only thing I've actually stuck with. I liked it all throughout school. Diagramming sentences was my favorite thing, and I wish we wouldn't stop doing that in the 5th grade. So that's what I should do right? Study English, I mean. Maybe teach after that? Perhaps, try to get back into drawing and painting maybe teach art too? Crazy I know, two days ago I was so on that equine science train. And I guess I'm off it? I enjoy it sure, but who am I kidding that's not what I want to do. I'd like to own horses again some day, but I don't need to study that. I enjoy the country, I do want to live in it one of these day. A few acres, horses, and my garden. I go to too much extremes. One minute I like one thing and then I find out it's not what I want or what I'm supposed to be and I run to the opposite end and jump off the cliff. Oh well, it only makes sense. Well it makes sense to me at least. All this to say I think I've changed my mind again. Or realized the thing I was running back to here from is what I really am and I need to accept that. Quit trying to be something I'm not. We'll see. Still have a bunch of thinking to do.
What do you want to do when you grow up?
What's your major?
#1 I want to do something that will benefit someone else and make me happy. I want to be a good influence and somehow make a difference even if it's minuscule.
#2 I change everyday.
I went to Chicago, I thought I was going to become the next Ana Wintour. Ha! I don't have the drive to do that. I love to write that is obvious, but I would not enjoy reporting. Even if it was about fashion (which I do love and always will). I will always write I have no doubt. I go through dry periods, sure. That's not the point, I think I've said before how it's the only thing I've actually stuck with. I liked it all throughout school. Diagramming sentences was my favorite thing, and I wish we wouldn't stop doing that in the 5th grade. So that's what I should do right? Study English, I mean. Maybe teach after that? Perhaps, try to get back into drawing and painting maybe teach art too? Crazy I know, two days ago I was so on that equine science train. And I guess I'm off it? I enjoy it sure, but who am I kidding that's not what I want to do. I'd like to own horses again some day, but I don't need to study that. I enjoy the country, I do want to live in it one of these day. A few acres, horses, and my garden. I go to too much extremes. One minute I like one thing and then I find out it's not what I want or what I'm supposed to be and I run to the opposite end and jump off the cliff. Oh well, it only makes sense. Well it makes sense to me at least. All this to say I think I've changed my mind again. Or realized the thing I was running back to here from is what I really am and I need to accept that. Quit trying to be something I'm not. We'll see. Still have a bunch of thinking to do.
inspiration day #2
It is very interesting to me once again how people affect one another so much. I say this is day 2 of being inspired, because it has happened once again. The nervousness comes and goes. Not knowing what to do, or rather what not to do. Stumbling. Inspired. A mixture of feelings all within one. Too many to know what to do with. Adjectives, oh wonderful adjectives there are none to describe this feeling, nor are there adverbs or nouns. As said before, it is simply indescribable. How lovely a feeling something without words. I am "sent singing through the woods." Literally. Well, perhaps only halfway a literal statement. I cannot wait to begin a painting. It's like I was in a rough winter for so many years I cannot even remember what spring looks like. And now it is here, except it is brighter and more exuberant than any other spring I have seen. It holds flowers of a kind I have never held in my life. A wonderful scent that has never filled my nose. Simply extraordinary. On being inspired, yes inspired. Happiness too. I have also begun reading this book of poetry I had bought in Chicago. Charles Bukowsky, it was in the clearance at Barnes and Noble, why? It is some of the best work I have read. The reason? He's so honest. I have never read such straightforward, honest poetry. I love it. He also did not want this particular piece published until after his death. How incredible! That is what makes his work so wonderful. He did not write for others, he did it for himself. At least that's what it seems so far, I do not know much about him but I will find out soon. It's almost 3 AM and I am no where near even thinking of sleep. I'm exhausted, sure. But once again that inspiration has taken over me. I am once again as I usually am at a loss for words to describe all of this or to even go on talking at all. This is more than the happiness I felt when I moved back here. It's truly overwhelming, in a good way. A very good way. "you sent me singing through the woods," once again and I don't want it to end.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
on feeling inspired
I'm terribly sorry for anyone who all of these are being emailed to, I know I keep writing and writing but I can't seem to stop.
Anyways, this is one of the oddest feelings I've had. This past week I went to the art museum with a new friend, and ever since that I have felt so inspired. It's the weirdest thing. It's not like they encouraged me to create or anything, I really don't know why. Just like everything else the only I know to relate it to is a song by Nizlopi called "Helen." Here are the lyrics: "Hey Helen. Your eyes shining, you're beautiful,So I just had to come and sing to you. And Helen, Made me feel alive last night to meet you, so, This is the best I can bring to you.'Cos you sent me singing through the woods, Last night, You sent me singing through the, Feeling alright, You sent me singing through the woods, Last night, You sent me singing a, Happy singing boy. Because of you.." I've never had a person affect me this way. Literally, since we hung out I have been doing so much art. I've missed it! Obviously, on here I've been writing so much which is crazy. I mean I do love to write, I usually don't think so much about things. I guess this person seemed very open minded, and I always thought that I was open minded but I think they blew me out of the water. Which inspired me to read more and learn as much as possible. Then I've been embroidering that handkerchief. I'm almost done, I worked on it forever last night. And then I wrote that poem thing (previous post), which turned into me wanting to try this kind of art that I seem to be drawn to lately only I have no earthly clue what it is called. My favorite from the San Antonio Museum of Art is just single words in black print on a large sheet of white paper. But each word has a part bolded like usually. the u's are bolded, but of course they are much better I just can't think of any good words for an example. Anyways, I created my own tonight with that poem. And I did it exactly like the last post to where if you can tell the first 3 stanzas (I'm really not sure if that's the correct term for them) spell red, well to me. which of course in this case is all that matters haha since it is my work. I'm not really sure if this would even be considered "art" I would hate for it to be crap and I just don't know it. I want to take it further though. I want to get a large piece of fabric and embroider the poem on the fabric and turn it into a scroll that can be hung on the wall. I forgot to mention that on the paper I did, I translated it into French so the left is English and the right is French. I used an internet translator so it may not be correct, but I do not know all of those words so I had to. Back this inspiration. It really interests me though. I've met people before who have encouraged me to create. Or who have been an inspiration. But no one has "inspired" me personally to create. I wonder what it feels like to inspire someone. Or if people ever know the others they do inspire. Of course, I think it would be kind of weird sounding to tell someone "hey you know I just wanted to let you know that you really inspired me and ever since I've met you I have created more art then ever before." If someone told me that I would probably cry, but that's me. Oh well time will only tell. Still it's more than being inspired, because feeling inspired by another person is so much different than the inspirations of nature and of occurrences in one's life. Nature shows beauty, occurrences show experience, but a person brings something enlivening something simply unexplainable. I have no other words on this subject because I am lost myself.
Anyways, this is one of the oddest feelings I've had. This past week I went to the art museum with a new friend, and ever since that I have felt so inspired. It's the weirdest thing. It's not like they encouraged me to create or anything, I really don't know why. Just like everything else the only I know to relate it to is a song by Nizlopi called "Helen." Here are the lyrics: "Hey Helen. Your eyes shining, you're beautiful,So I just had to come and sing to you. And Helen, Made me feel alive last night to meet you, so, This is the best I can bring to you.'Cos you sent me singing through the woods, Last night, You sent me singing through the, Feeling alright, You sent me singing through the woods, Last night, You sent me singing a, Happy singing boy. Because of you.." I've never had a person affect me this way. Literally, since we hung out I have been doing so much art. I've missed it! Obviously, on here I've been writing so much which is crazy. I mean I do love to write, I usually don't think so much about things. I guess this person seemed very open minded, and I always thought that I was open minded but I think they blew me out of the water. Which inspired me to read more and learn as much as possible. Then I've been embroidering that handkerchief. I'm almost done, I worked on it forever last night. And then I wrote that poem thing (previous post), which turned into me wanting to try this kind of art that I seem to be drawn to lately only I have no earthly clue what it is called. My favorite from the San Antonio Museum of Art is just single words in black print on a large sheet of white paper. But each word has a part bolded like usually. the u's are bolded, but of course they are much better I just can't think of any good words for an example. Anyways, I created my own tonight with that poem. And I did it exactly like the last post to where if you can tell the first 3 stanzas (I'm really not sure if that's the correct term for them) spell red, well to me. which of course in this case is all that matters haha since it is my work. I'm not really sure if this would even be considered "art" I would hate for it to be crap and I just don't know it. I want to take it further though. I want to get a large piece of fabric and embroider the poem on the fabric and turn it into a scroll that can be hung on the wall. I forgot to mention that on the paper I did, I translated it into French so the left is English and the right is French. I used an internet translator so it may not be correct, but I do not know all of those words so I had to. Back this inspiration. It really interests me though. I've met people before who have encouraged me to create. Or who have been an inspiration. But no one has "inspired" me personally to create. I wonder what it feels like to inspire someone. Or if people ever know the others they do inspire. Of course, I think it would be kind of weird sounding to tell someone "hey you know I just wanted to let you know that you really inspired me and ever since I've met you I have created more art then ever before." If someone told me that I would probably cry, but that's me. Oh well time will only tell. Still it's more than being inspired, because feeling inspired by another person is so much different than the inspirations of nature and of occurrences in one's life. Nature shows beauty, occurrences show experience, but a person brings something enlivening something simply unexplainable. I have no other words on this subject because I am lost myself.
interesting
thoughts.
lay
in
the
grass.
look at
the sky.
interesting.
thoughts.
trickle
from
my
mind.
no
matter
how
far.
is there.
no.
more.
running.
interesting.
traveling.
instead.
more.
yes.
interesting.
facts.
interesting.
lies.
interesting.
honors.
interesting.
yes.
indeed.
interesting.
lay
in
the
grass.
look at
the sky.
interesting.
thoughts.
trickle
from
my
mind.
no
matter
how
far.
is there.
no.
more.
running.
interesting.
traveling.
instead.
more.
yes.
interesting.
facts.
interesting.
lies.
interesting.
honors.
interesting.
yes.
indeed.
interesting.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Common Sense
This is crazy, my head gets going and it doesn't stop.
In my last post I said that I wanted to just start learning as much as possible, so I grabbed all my philosophy books and I decided to start with Common Sense by Thomas Paine. I have only read the Intro and 1st page and already I am amazed and has somewhat opened my eyes. Here are a few quotes and I will explain why they are significant to me:
This is from the intro and this is in the P.S. "Who the Author of this Production is, is wholly unnecessary to the Public, as the Object for Attention is the Doctrine itself, not the Man." That screams at me. I wish that people who were actually actively involved thought this way. I got really heated this last election, and I think perhaps more than anything I hate conforming to everyone else. If everyone else likes something I subconsciously dislike for the reason that everyone else like it. I am conservative, yes, but perhaps not politically? Hell, to be honest I hate politics. It brings out the devil in people, and causes people to act completely mad. Which comes to my next quotes from Common Sense. "Some writers have so confounded society with government, as to leave little or no distinction between them...Society is produced by our wants, and government by our wickedness." That right there is exactly why I also loved Utopia so much. The idea that if people acted as they should there would be no need for a government. "Government eve in its best state is a necessary evil." That is so true. We only need it, because the world is evil. I know some people may read this and wonder why I am just now figuring this out. I knew this, but now I am understanding it. It goes on to say that if there were a group of people were to move to a secluded island or something away from everyone else, they would only function as a society. See, you always here the word society but what does it truly mean? Society-a body of individuals living as members of a community. If that is what a society is then we are not even properly living under these guidelines, why? Government! Because government, the necessary evil, stepped in and changes the way society functions. If we only lived under a society, how much differently would we live? would we be a more united people? or would we crumble and evil would take over? This really makes me think. I do not want to be classified as a republican or democrat, conservative or liberal. I can get along with either party just fine, if they are willing to discuss ideas in a civilized manner. I think last semester I got so caught up in a label, which I hate, that I lost sight of my true feelings. It didn't help of course that I was being attacked, but that's another story. I want to be a free thinker, someone who is not influenced by those around me. One who thinks for myself, and knows the reason I take a stand for the things I take a stand for. I would like to say that from here on out I refuse to discuss politics with anyone, no, that would be close mindedness. I am a very open minded person, and even though I may not agree with views it is only appropriate to hear them all. I am quite excited to read the rest of this book/pamphlet whatever you would like to call it. And I am willing to say that I am open to changing my views if I believe that is necessary to do so.
In my last post I said that I wanted to just start learning as much as possible, so I grabbed all my philosophy books and I decided to start with Common Sense by Thomas Paine. I have only read the Intro and 1st page and already I am amazed and has somewhat opened my eyes. Here are a few quotes and I will explain why they are significant to me:
This is from the intro and this is in the P.S. "Who the Author of this Production is, is wholly unnecessary to the Public, as the Object for Attention is the Doctrine itself, not the Man." That screams at me. I wish that people who were actually actively involved thought this way. I got really heated this last election, and I think perhaps more than anything I hate conforming to everyone else. If everyone else likes something I subconsciously dislike for the reason that everyone else like it. I am conservative, yes, but perhaps not politically? Hell, to be honest I hate politics. It brings out the devil in people, and causes people to act completely mad. Which comes to my next quotes from Common Sense. "Some writers have so confounded society with government, as to leave little or no distinction between them...Society is produced by our wants, and government by our wickedness." That right there is exactly why I also loved Utopia so much. The idea that if people acted as they should there would be no need for a government. "Government eve in its best state is a necessary evil." That is so true. We only need it, because the world is evil. I know some people may read this and wonder why I am just now figuring this out. I knew this, but now I am understanding it. It goes on to say that if there were a group of people were to move to a secluded island or something away from everyone else, they would only function as a society. See, you always here the word society but what does it truly mean? Society-a body of individuals living as members of a community. If that is what a society is then we are not even properly living under these guidelines, why? Government! Because government, the necessary evil, stepped in and changes the way society functions. If we only lived under a society, how much differently would we live? would we be a more united people? or would we crumble and evil would take over? This really makes me think. I do not want to be classified as a republican or democrat, conservative or liberal. I can get along with either party just fine, if they are willing to discuss ideas in a civilized manner. I think last semester I got so caught up in a label, which I hate, that I lost sight of my true feelings. It didn't help of course that I was being attacked, but that's another story. I want to be a free thinker, someone who is not influenced by those around me. One who thinks for myself, and knows the reason I take a stand for the things I take a stand for. I would like to say that from here on out I refuse to discuss politics with anyone, no, that would be close mindedness. I am a very open minded person, and even though I may not agree with views it is only appropriate to hear them all. I am quite excited to read the rest of this book/pamphlet whatever you would like to call it. And I am willing to say that I am open to changing my views if I believe that is necessary to do so.
my mind goes wild
As usual thoughts just seem to speed through my head. I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. Almost like something is standing on my chest that won't move. I don't know what it is. I never do. It feels somewhat sad. Maybe this is just one of those weird things again. I hate how I get in these moods where all I want to do is go outside somewhere open and just sit. But where can I go? I need to get out of my box again. Explore something. I've been sitting for far too long in this same old spot. I want to walk in a river, and feel sand under my feet. Even walking through grass with a blanket of dew. Sometimes I wish I lived out in the middle of no where. No one knew me. Just wandering by. This is a common thought I have lately. Why do I constantly feel like I need to get out? No one is crowding me, it's just me. But still I feel like I'm drowning. I want to climb on a deserted roof and sit with my thoughts staring at the sky. Watch the day pass by. I actually really want to do that one day. Just pick a spot and sit for an entire day watching the sun as moves from morning to night. I don't know if I could sit still that long, perhaps if I had company. Right now I don't and that's okay. I could do it alone. It just wouldn't be quite as fun. It's so weird feeling so restless all the time. No amount of sleep or rest takes away the feeling. It's always there. I guess it could be a part of that ghost. Actually I think I may have just figured out what the deal is. I went to the art museum today. For some reason every time after I experience something like that I get in the weirdest mood. I'm not quite sure what happens. I can't express it to people. I wonder though if this happens to others as well. I can be fine while walking through the museum, but after something comes over me. I don't know if it's an overwhelmed feeling, because of being in the presence of such greatness or what. The pieces amaze me. You know it's like that quote about how you walk through the museum and soak it in, but you don't feel the impact until after you've left and had time to think of the pieces you saw. Seeing pieces I studied in art history last semester it's kind of surreal or something. I'm such a see it to believe person, and when I see it the evidence is right there. It all comes together. I feel like I'm rambling now and perhaps I am. I usually do. What's weird is music brought this out. I wasn't thinking about it until I started to listening to music. I think it's weird how much little things affect me. People always say I worry too much and I over analyze these are true sure, but I can't help it. The smallest insignificant thing either makes or breaks me. Here's the quote by Audrey Hepburn: "Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering - because you can't take it all in at once."
I sometimes wish my mind was like a vacuum so I could just suck up all this information. There are so many things I don't know, oh my goodness that is the biggest understatement. I have hardly any cool facts about anything. It really freaks me out a lot of the times when someone just starts telling me all this information about everything. I think that's where the suffocation comes in. Because things that I thought I knew about, I know absolutely nothing. Seriously, what do I even know about? I read a ton, you would think I would know a thing or two. Or maybe I do but I just never happen to talk about those things, so I am lost i conversations where I am unable to utter a comment, because if I did I feel like I would just be trying to sound like I knew something when I don't. To be honest, that's another reason why I didn't like Columbia, that is a very arrogant reason too, because the fact that all these people knew so much more than me about so many things. Sure I know designers from way back when, but no one cares about that. I know some things about horses that I read in books. But the things that actually matter to me, the things I want to know about. I know nothing. I sit speechless as someone else spouts off about all these wonderful things. Don't get me wrong, I love because that's the only way to learn. And I love to learn. Socrates said, "I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing." Is that true? Is the fact that you know you know nothing what makes you intelligent? Because truly I learn everyday how much I do not know, and how much I wish to learn. Perhaps I should pull out the philosophy again. Learn the ends and outs of them. Learn the history of more than just the things that are of interest to me. Let these be added to my list. That is all, I am too overwhelmed to speak of anything else. And frankly, I have no other words. I am speechless. I don't know if I like being speechless.
I sometimes wish my mind was like a vacuum so I could just suck up all this information. There are so many things I don't know, oh my goodness that is the biggest understatement. I have hardly any cool facts about anything. It really freaks me out a lot of the times when someone just starts telling me all this information about everything. I think that's where the suffocation comes in. Because things that I thought I knew about, I know absolutely nothing. Seriously, what do I even know about? I read a ton, you would think I would know a thing or two. Or maybe I do but I just never happen to talk about those things, so I am lost i conversations where I am unable to utter a comment, because if I did I feel like I would just be trying to sound like I knew something when I don't. To be honest, that's another reason why I didn't like Columbia, that is a very arrogant reason too, because the fact that all these people knew so much more than me about so many things. Sure I know designers from way back when, but no one cares about that. I know some things about horses that I read in books. But the things that actually matter to me, the things I want to know about. I know nothing. I sit speechless as someone else spouts off about all these wonderful things. Don't get me wrong, I love because that's the only way to learn. And I love to learn. Socrates said, "I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing." Is that true? Is the fact that you know you know nothing what makes you intelligent? Because truly I learn everyday how much I do not know, and how much I wish to learn. Perhaps I should pull out the philosophy again. Learn the ends and outs of them. Learn the history of more than just the things that are of interest to me. Let these be added to my list. That is all, I am too overwhelmed to speak of anything else. And frankly, I have no other words. I am speechless. I don't know if I like being speechless.
Monday, February 9, 2009
it never entered my mind
that song ^ "it never entered my mind" by miles davis seriously makes me melt. when I hear it I don't know whether to cry or smile lol it's good. I know that sounds dumb, but it's very true.
I'm having a good day so these next things are just a bit of a rant on things that are annoying me that I cannot fix
it really bothers me that every time (once again I really think that every time should be spelled everytime) anyways when I talk to certain people all they tell me about is their relationships "oh and listen to what I got him blahh" believe it is my duty as a friend to hear this and i do want to but seriously when that is all we talk about. more like they talk about and i listen but they aren't interested in what i have to say. i'm not trying to whine or sound selfish i honestly care about their stuff i just feel like they don't care about mine anymore ya know. it's just getting annoying is all. i just want to chat about real stuff ya know what's going on in our daily lives. i guess the one good thing is talking over the internet makes it easier to conceal feelings. or perhaps that's a bad thing? i really have no clue.
ha honestly i think that's the only things that's really annoying me as of this moment. i'm quite excited for tomorrow actually. i think it will be a good day. hopefully after last week man i could sure use it. basically everything i touched last week turned to dust that was not cool at all. i guess i'm still exhausted from dealing with it all. it was especially hard because my mom was out of town. and it really makes me wonder how i am ever going to live on my own. even though i am very independent now and i completely take care of myself. i don't know how to take care of things when they break. i mean i do but i just like being to depend on someone else for those sorts of things. perhaps that's bad, or maybe everyone feels this way and it's unrealistic? either way i don't particularly care i just don't want to not have it.
i just remembered my other annoyance: valentines day. don't worry i am not at all sad that i do not have a date or whatever. it really just annoys me that people make such a big deal of it. the only way i would like to celebrate it if i did have a date would be either being in comfy clothes and watching a movie with super fattening food or just like going out and sitting under the stars. i really don't see what the fuss is all about. making guys worry about getting their girlfriends the perfect gift. seriously i'd rather not get anything. the only person i enjoy getting something for is my mom just because we always have. but why make it some huge ordeal? i don't love red roses i mean they're beautiful yes and if someone gave them to me i would adore them just for the thought. but 1) white lilies are my favorite flower and 2) it's cliche. my thing is and i tell like everyone this if you can't do something nice for someone every other day of the year why should you be forced to do it on a holiday. then it makes all the single people (excluding me) feel like crap because they feel that they need someone. oh well. it will continue to be an over-marketed bowl of shlush to me lol.
i think that's enough of my annoyances. now for a cute quote i found:
O wild and wondrous midnight,
There is a might in thee
To make the charmed body
Almost like spirit be,
And give it some faint glimpses
Of immortality.
~James Russell Lowell, Midnight
I'm having a good day so these next things are just a bit of a rant on things that are annoying me that I cannot fix
it really bothers me that every time (once again I really think that every time should be spelled everytime) anyways when I talk to certain people all they tell me about is their relationships "oh and listen to what I got him blahh" believe it is my duty as a friend to hear this and i do want to but seriously when that is all we talk about. more like they talk about and i listen but they aren't interested in what i have to say. i'm not trying to whine or sound selfish i honestly care about their stuff i just feel like they don't care about mine anymore ya know. it's just getting annoying is all. i just want to chat about real stuff ya know what's going on in our daily lives. i guess the one good thing is talking over the internet makes it easier to conceal feelings. or perhaps that's a bad thing? i really have no clue.
ha honestly i think that's the only things that's really annoying me as of this moment. i'm quite excited for tomorrow actually. i think it will be a good day. hopefully after last week man i could sure use it. basically everything i touched last week turned to dust that was not cool at all. i guess i'm still exhausted from dealing with it all. it was especially hard because my mom was out of town. and it really makes me wonder how i am ever going to live on my own. even though i am very independent now and i completely take care of myself. i don't know how to take care of things when they break. i mean i do but i just like being to depend on someone else for those sorts of things. perhaps that's bad, or maybe everyone feels this way and it's unrealistic? either way i don't particularly care i just don't want to not have it.
i just remembered my other annoyance: valentines day. don't worry i am not at all sad that i do not have a date or whatever. it really just annoys me that people make such a big deal of it. the only way i would like to celebrate it if i did have a date would be either being in comfy clothes and watching a movie with super fattening food or just like going out and sitting under the stars. i really don't see what the fuss is all about. making guys worry about getting their girlfriends the perfect gift. seriously i'd rather not get anything. the only person i enjoy getting something for is my mom just because we always have. but why make it some huge ordeal? i don't love red roses i mean they're beautiful yes and if someone gave them to me i would adore them just for the thought. but 1) white lilies are my favorite flower and 2) it's cliche. my thing is and i tell like everyone this if you can't do something nice for someone every other day of the year why should you be forced to do it on a holiday. then it makes all the single people (excluding me) feel like crap because they feel that they need someone. oh well. it will continue to be an over-marketed bowl of shlush to me lol.
i think that's enough of my annoyances. now for a cute quote i found:
O wild and wondrous midnight,
There is a might in thee
To make the charmed body
Almost like spirit be,
And give it some faint glimpses
Of immortality.
~James Russell Lowell, Midnight
Saturday, February 7, 2009
sleep=my favorite past time
I recently read this article in Real Simple magazine, about this lady who loves sleeping more than anything. It was so funny because literally it was describing me. I loooooove to sleep. People always get on to me for sleeping too late, but they really are just jealous that they don't have my talent haha probably not. If it was possible for me to sleep for an entire week I would love it. I love the feeling of having a ton of sleep. I got to take a nap today, and I'm not thrilled that I did because it caused me to miss out on spending more time with my niece and nephew. Although, after this last week from hell it was nice to have a bit extra. I guess that's all I wish I could get more sleep though. Sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep. zZzZzZ...
Monday, February 2, 2009
guaranteed there's a song
Here's mine as of now:
I'd build a ladder to the moon
There I'd carve your name
If it would brighten up this room
But you know that anyway
I can't be the rock
Not today
Sometimes i wanna pop
Sometimes i wanna say
I'd like to breakdown, but I can't find the time
You're all lookin' to me
To keep it in line
I hope i can keep it in line
Sometimes i slow it down
To hear what I haven't heard
And when the darkness rolls around
I scream out the words
His picture's on my wall
He looks about my age
I wonder if he ever broke at all
I wonder if he ever had to say
I'd like to breakdown, but I can't find the time
They're all lookin' to me
To keep it in line
And I'm gonna keep it in line
It's gonna work itself out
It always does
At the last drop of doubt
Just like it never was
I am seriously about to break down for sure. Or more like I'd like to. But it is very true I can't seem to find the time, so where does it lash out instead? my sleep, meaning I am unable to get sleep. There's a ghost over my shoulder once again, it likes to "keep me company" which it's really haunting me. I wish I could sleep, or do other things besides analyze everything that happened. It's hard for me to talk about it to anyone too. because I never know what to say. I don't know how to explain any of this, because I don't even know what any of it is. I don't have anything else to say.
...I remembered my thoughts that I was trying to say earlier perhaps I have already talked about this but I do not think so. I have figured out that I am terrified of being comfortable. See I want to be so badly, but that's the part that scares me. Every time I have gotten comfortable lately that's when my world turned upside down. I know I shouldn't think this way, but I'm trying to figure out how to reverse my thinking. This is quite difficult. It's such an odd feeling, knowing what's wrong, knowing that it needs to be fixed, but not knowing how or even where to start. Well I supposed I have lost my thoughts again. Oh well maybe my brain will subconsciously work all this out that would be quite nice.
I'd build a ladder to the moon
There I'd carve your name
If it would brighten up this room
But you know that anyway
I can't be the rock
Not today
Sometimes i wanna pop
Sometimes i wanna say
I'd like to breakdown, but I can't find the time
You're all lookin' to me
To keep it in line
I hope i can keep it in line
Sometimes i slow it down
To hear what I haven't heard
And when the darkness rolls around
I scream out the words
His picture's on my wall
He looks about my age
I wonder if he ever broke at all
I wonder if he ever had to say
I'd like to breakdown, but I can't find the time
They're all lookin' to me
To keep it in line
And I'm gonna keep it in line
It's gonna work itself out
It always does
At the last drop of doubt
Just like it never was
I am seriously about to break down for sure. Or more like I'd like to. But it is very true I can't seem to find the time, so where does it lash out instead? my sleep, meaning I am unable to get sleep. There's a ghost over my shoulder once again, it likes to "keep me company" which it's really haunting me. I wish I could sleep, or do other things besides analyze everything that happened. It's hard for me to talk about it to anyone too. because I never know what to say. I don't know how to explain any of this, because I don't even know what any of it is. I don't have anything else to say.
...I remembered my thoughts that I was trying to say earlier perhaps I have already talked about this but I do not think so. I have figured out that I am terrified of being comfortable. See I want to be so badly, but that's the part that scares me. Every time I have gotten comfortable lately that's when my world turned upside down. I know I shouldn't think this way, but I'm trying to figure out how to reverse my thinking. This is quite difficult. It's such an odd feeling, knowing what's wrong, knowing that it needs to be fixed, but not knowing how or even where to start. Well I supposed I have lost my thoughts again. Oh well maybe my brain will subconsciously work all this out that would be quite nice.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
we all knew it wouldn't last
"The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? " -Holly Golightly, Breakfast at Tiffany's
This sums it all up right now. A week ago my joy was overflowing, and all of a sudden it's gone. the weirdest part is it doesn't feel totally gone, but it's almost as if subconsciously i know something dreadful is about to happen. i have no idea what it could be, i just hope it's not another thing with my family. who knows. but that's it "suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of." i think, perhaps, i am afraid of becoming too comfortable. i believe my last thing was about about being still. i don't know how to be still. it's why i'm tired all the time. even though i'm so laid back it's almost as if it's some sort of facade? no that's not it. i really don't know. i feel a bit lonesome, but not lonely. i'm okay with being alone right now, it's helping me get some things in perspective. i really wish i could pin point what i'm so afraid of. i feel like moving again. where should i go this time? maybe i'll try a different country. back to the not wanting to get too comfortable. the reason: when ya get comfortable it's easy to get caught in a trap. or maybe i'm finding the problems that i moved away from again. it's like we were playing hide and go seek. i ran i hid for a bit and they found me. i ran back and hid for a little longer and here they are again. i need to find a better spot. it's the same thing i analyze over and over and it remains the same. i ask why why why. no one knows. if i can't figure it out who else could. that may not sound right. but i'm pretty good at analyzing problems, just not this one. why? it doesn't make logical sense. to miss something even though you shouldn't something awful. no. no one should do that. people do i know. here i go again, confusing, makes no sense. i do it on purpose, or i try. it's easier to type on here. i know who i am. i have an idea where i'm going. so shouldn't this problem go away. no it's an elephant it follows me everywhere. when i meet a friend for coffee, the other person may not be able to tell. but there's a huge elephant sitting on our table, i try to see them over this big lug but i can't. they are lost. i yell. they wonder why i raise my voice. when i meet someone new. oh no we can't have that. i keep to myself at school. i like meeting new people. i just don't want them too close. so when they start i give a big push and the elephant steps in. i apologize take a bow. that's all, its over. i'm happy, sure. i'm glad to be back. it's not as stressful being back. i'm focusing better. but there it is. that fear. we're creatures of habit at least that's what they say. i try my hardest not to be. i go against it. why. that fear again. comfortable. we can't have that. this may hurt me later. that's alright. we'll work it out. maybe then i'll stop running so fast. have you ever noticed when i write. the things that make me sad, i never capitalize. why. who knows. comfortable nahh nothing to do with that. just me is all. mean reds. not the blues. i'll go spend some time with the horses. maybe they'll scare off the elephant. or at least it's a good hiding place for now. it hasn't found me there yet. i drive fast to get there, so it won't know where i've gone. it's worked so far. don't give away my spot.
This sums it all up right now. A week ago my joy was overflowing, and all of a sudden it's gone. the weirdest part is it doesn't feel totally gone, but it's almost as if subconsciously i know something dreadful is about to happen. i have no idea what it could be, i just hope it's not another thing with my family. who knows. but that's it "suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of." i think, perhaps, i am afraid of becoming too comfortable. i believe my last thing was about about being still. i don't know how to be still. it's why i'm tired all the time. even though i'm so laid back it's almost as if it's some sort of facade? no that's not it. i really don't know. i feel a bit lonesome, but not lonely. i'm okay with being alone right now, it's helping me get some things in perspective. i really wish i could pin point what i'm so afraid of. i feel like moving again. where should i go this time? maybe i'll try a different country. back to the not wanting to get too comfortable. the reason: when ya get comfortable it's easy to get caught in a trap. or maybe i'm finding the problems that i moved away from again. it's like we were playing hide and go seek. i ran i hid for a bit and they found me. i ran back and hid for a little longer and here they are again. i need to find a better spot. it's the same thing i analyze over and over and it remains the same. i ask why why why. no one knows. if i can't figure it out who else could. that may not sound right. but i'm pretty good at analyzing problems, just not this one. why? it doesn't make logical sense. to miss something even though you shouldn't something awful. no. no one should do that. people do i know. here i go again, confusing, makes no sense. i do it on purpose, or i try. it's easier to type on here. i know who i am. i have an idea where i'm going. so shouldn't this problem go away. no it's an elephant it follows me everywhere. when i meet a friend for coffee, the other person may not be able to tell. but there's a huge elephant sitting on our table, i try to see them over this big lug but i can't. they are lost. i yell. they wonder why i raise my voice. when i meet someone new. oh no we can't have that. i keep to myself at school. i like meeting new people. i just don't want them too close. so when they start i give a big push and the elephant steps in. i apologize take a bow. that's all, its over. i'm happy, sure. i'm glad to be back. it's not as stressful being back. i'm focusing better. but there it is. that fear. we're creatures of habit at least that's what they say. i try my hardest not to be. i go against it. why. that fear again. comfortable. we can't have that. this may hurt me later. that's alright. we'll work it out. maybe then i'll stop running so fast. have you ever noticed when i write. the things that make me sad, i never capitalize. why. who knows. comfortable nahh nothing to do with that. just me is all. mean reds. not the blues. i'll go spend some time with the horses. maybe they'll scare off the elephant. or at least it's a good hiding place for now. it hasn't found me there yet. i drive fast to get there, so it won't know where i've gone. it's worked so far. don't give away my spot.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
be still
I was talking with a very wise woman today and she told me the most clever thing "be still, and let God." Usually it annoys me when people are blahh God, because I've heard it all before. And yes, I have heard that before, but it never hit me like today. I really do need to be still right now. Last year was just such a tough year all around I just need to take a break. Have no commitments. Just school and my volunteer work. I really need to learn to say no to people. I just don't know how. That sounds silly. Everyone should know how to say no, right? Of course, I can muster the word out of my mouth, but I can not use it in real life situations. I'm too much of a people pleaser, I always have been. I never want anyone to be upset, so if they ask me to do something or lead something I just say yes. Which is awful, because then it hurts me. Like the place I volunteer at the first day I went there. They were have their fundraiser committee meeting and I put in my two cents, then they were like oh my God sent you to us. You cannot say things like that to me. I take things very literally so I was like oh crap now I have to do this. And I thought it would be ok, but I don't need that right now. I need some time not to have worries. This may not make sense to some people but that's okay. The positive thing is (by the way I really think the word positive should have two s's because positive is such a strong word adding another s would give it more oomph) I am learning this now. So hopefully this insight will help me act on it.
I have another thing on my mind, well of course I do I have 500 things on my all the time. I really want to know when guys stopped being gentlemen? Tonight I went to a restaurant and I had to wait for my table. I was standing for 20 minutes or so before a man offered me his chair. I realize in this day and age people think this is not necessary. But what I would like to know is when did it stop? Are men just not being taught to open the door for women? To always let a woman go before no matter if you are in a rush? To always offer a woman or elder your chair if they are standing? My sons will not be raised with this nonsense of not having proper etiquette. However I must say it is not only the men who have lost their manners. Women have too this is for certain. I know I am guilty of this as well, but I really do try to have manners and proper etiquette. This is something that is very important to me, and if someone ever thought I did not hold this trait I would be very disappointed. I would like to know who thought it appropriate for women to swear? I mean again I know I do have a few slip of the tongues. But what guy wants to hear his girlfriend cussing like a sailor? If he does, I do not want to meet him. For that matter, I do not think it is appropriate for men to curse in front of women. This is probably unheard of. But guaranteed if you are to spend very much time with me at all I will be sure to let you know that it is not appropriate. When did everyone get so lazy? Our language is not pretty, it does not flow like it does in such books as dPride and Prejudice. Perhaps I should move to England, at least if they do not speak well it sounds better than the English of America. I always say this, but I really do not understand why I was born during this time period. I would be ever so happy to communicate by letters. I wish I could trade places with my grandma and relive her childhood. At least then I would be thinking the same way as my time period. I am the odd ball. No one cares about things that are so important to me. Which means, I am often let down because no one meets these simple expectations. Because they were not taught to think this way. I know one guy who I would consider to be up these standards. One! That is just preposterous. Well this all for my rant tonight.
I have another thing on my mind, well of course I do I have 500 things on my all the time. I really want to know when guys stopped being gentlemen? Tonight I went to a restaurant and I had to wait for my table. I was standing for 20 minutes or so before a man offered me his chair. I realize in this day and age people think this is not necessary. But what I would like to know is when did it stop? Are men just not being taught to open the door for women? To always let a woman go before no matter if you are in a rush? To always offer a woman or elder your chair if they are standing? My sons will not be raised with this nonsense of not having proper etiquette. However I must say it is not only the men who have lost their manners. Women have too this is for certain. I know I am guilty of this as well, but I really do try to have manners and proper etiquette. This is something that is very important to me, and if someone ever thought I did not hold this trait I would be very disappointed. I would like to know who thought it appropriate for women to swear? I mean again I know I do have a few slip of the tongues. But what guy wants to hear his girlfriend cussing like a sailor? If he does, I do not want to meet him. For that matter, I do not think it is appropriate for men to curse in front of women. This is probably unheard of. But guaranteed if you are to spend very much time with me at all I will be sure to let you know that it is not appropriate. When did everyone get so lazy? Our language is not pretty, it does not flow like it does in such books as dPride and Prejudice. Perhaps I should move to England, at least if they do not speak well it sounds better than the English of America. I always say this, but I really do not understand why I was born during this time period. I would be ever so happy to communicate by letters. I wish I could trade places with my grandma and relive her childhood. At least then I would be thinking the same way as my time period. I am the odd ball. No one cares about things that are so important to me. Which means, I am often let down because no one meets these simple expectations. Because they were not taught to think this way. I know one guy who I would consider to be up these standards. One! That is just preposterous. Well this all for my rant tonight.
Monday, January 19, 2009
there's a passion burnin in my veins
I just want to see things. Today I went to Borders with a friend and we looked at this book filled with the best road trips in America. I seriously would love to just get in my car and drive. Not look at a map just get on the highway and go and see where the road takes me. Pull over when the signs say historical sighting next exit. That would be beautiful. Can you imagine? The people you would meet? The sights you would see? No agenda. Just driving. Doing whatever random thing comes up next. I suppose that would be more of a nomadic life than anything else, but maybe I would like that. Haha probably not. I can't stand to be alone that much. Perhaps, though, I won't be alone. I'll have a companion, yeah that's it. What a pair we'd be. Can't ya just see it. "Two nomadic travelers, don't know where they're headed or when they'll return." Oh that would be just lovely. I'm sure it's unrealistic, but that's how I think, unrealistically. And if nothing else I'll go to these places in my dreams with my companion. Windows rolled down, radio blasting, and us singing at the top of our lungs. We could be like Bonnie and Clyde, without the robbing and law breaking, of course. We'd be a sight for soar eyes, a one of a kind pair. Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't. I'll add it to the list, though, just for hopes.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
song of the moment
I need you cause I love you
always and forever
and I love you cause I've known you
always and forever
well time it flies
and time it runs by
and time will run out on us soon
your eyes filled with tears
from fighting your fears
searching for who you are
and I will be here
waiting my dear
always and forever
I need you cause I love you
always and forever
well I love you cause I've known you
always and forever
the moon and stars
and the sun stretches far
shining for all to veiw
eternally bound they light up the ground
never once being untrue
and you are for me
a light which I need
always and forever
I need you cause I love you
always and forever
and I love you cause I've known you
always and forever
always and forever
always and forever
and I love you cause I've known you
always and forever
well time it flies
and time it runs by
and time will run out on us soon
your eyes filled with tears
from fighting your fears
searching for who you are
and I will be here
waiting my dear
always and forever
I need you cause I love you
always and forever
well I love you cause I've known you
always and forever
the moon and stars
and the sun stretches far
shining for all to veiw
eternally bound they light up the ground
never once being untrue
and you are for me
a light which I need
always and forever
I need you cause I love you
always and forever
and I love you cause I've known you
always and forever
always and forever
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
ha cha cha
first of all let me say i cannot remember the last time i was this happy. my goodness and i'm really not even quite sure why i am, but i frankly do not care! i wake up with a smile on my face, i have been enjoying everyday. my goodness i'm excited to go to school, which i can honestly say i don't think that has happened. i love my teachers, i've already made friends. all this time i've thought that i was such an introverted little girl that no one wanted to be around. and i mean i'm not really sure if people do, but i seem to make friends quite easily. and oh my goodness i'm finally confident again and it's not fake confidence this time it's really real. i'm nt afraid to make a fool of myself. i mean don't get me wrong it will probably be a long time (and it might be never) before i can speak in front of people and be ok with it. but still it just feels amazing. i don't want it to end, i don't like to think of it but i mean it is reality that all good things must come to and end. i'll endure some trial. then it'll be good again. that's life. but i am soaking up the goodness now am i ever. the weather has been just beautiful, perfect, sunshine with a hint of a chill. birds singing. my dogs are so much happier now too. i didn't even realize that my mood really affects them. now that i am so chipper they follow right along. i enjoy their company so much, i'm sure it sounds silly. but really they are so much fun, i can always be myself around them and i know they're dogs but still. i'm one of those crazies that believes they get us more than we realize.
there's really only one thing i've been thinking about that isn't as happy but i mean it's not really that big of a deal. see it seems like all these people around my age are getting married. at first i was sad and i was like what the heck i haven't even been in a relationship in like over 3 years. but then i started to really think and my goodness they scare the hell out of me. i am terrified to be in a relationship. 1 because well let's be honest i don't have the slightest idea about how any of that stuff works. 2 i'm so free right now and i don't want to be put in a cage. i can't even believe i just said that haha my whole life has been based around how much i want to get married. but i'm just now learning to be myself and i don't want someone to take that from me. unless they're as crazy as me then we'll talk but still no cages. the other thing is man oh man we're all so young why waste it. i mean if thats what they want to do who am i to stop them. and i'm sure if i was in their position i'd be doing the same. but i don't know haha. seriously i can't even tell when a guy is interested in me if they even are so i just assume they aren't oh man. who ever my next guy is he is in for a trip lol. anyways. see i really don't write when i get happy because i don't know what to say and then i just babble like i'm doing now. but ahhh seriously it's kind of nice. i try telling people how happy i am and they just don't get. i really just feel like screaming. it's almost like i'm in love. but that can't be because i really don;t know who i would be in love with. and i'm pretty sure if you're in love you know who the person it, i mean maybe not haha it's not like i'm a genius in that area at all. anyways. i just can't wait to go to a&m. it's going to be so fun. they have a sailing team which i want to do so bad! of course i've never sailed before but that's ok i'll just learn. oh there are just so many things i want to do. well i will end this before i repeat the entire thing i just said!
*yaya*
"Now our blood flows through eachother as is done for all eternity, loyal forever, we raise our voices in the words of Mumbo Gumbo... YA YA! "-that's for Lina if she reads this!
there's really only one thing i've been thinking about that isn't as happy but i mean it's not really that big of a deal. see it seems like all these people around my age are getting married. at first i was sad and i was like what the heck i haven't even been in a relationship in like over 3 years. but then i started to really think and my goodness they scare the hell out of me. i am terrified to be in a relationship. 1 because well let's be honest i don't have the slightest idea about how any of that stuff works. 2 i'm so free right now and i don't want to be put in a cage. i can't even believe i just said that haha my whole life has been based around how much i want to get married. but i'm just now learning to be myself and i don't want someone to take that from me. unless they're as crazy as me then we'll talk but still no cages. the other thing is man oh man we're all so young why waste it. i mean if thats what they want to do who am i to stop them. and i'm sure if i was in their position i'd be doing the same. but i don't know haha. seriously i can't even tell when a guy is interested in me if they even are so i just assume they aren't oh man. who ever my next guy is he is in for a trip lol. anyways. see i really don't write when i get happy because i don't know what to say and then i just babble like i'm doing now. but ahhh seriously it's kind of nice. i try telling people how happy i am and they just don't get. i really just feel like screaming. it's almost like i'm in love. but that can't be because i really don;t know who i would be in love with. and i'm pretty sure if you're in love you know who the person it, i mean maybe not haha it's not like i'm a genius in that area at all. anyways. i just can't wait to go to a&m. it's going to be so fun. they have a sailing team which i want to do so bad! of course i've never sailed before but that's ok i'll just learn. oh there are just so many things i want to do. well i will end this before i repeat the entire thing i just said!
*yaya*
"Now our blood flows through eachother as is done for all eternity, loyal forever, we raise our voices in the words of Mumbo Gumbo... YA YA! "-that's for Lina if she reads this!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
wild horses
my mind goes crazy everytime I start thinking about horses again. Its like I'm filled with a passion I have never felt before. I've been passionate about so many different and extreme things, but nothing has given me this that I can remember. I feel so much joy when I think of spending my life working with this four legged wonder who are healing people. Can you imagine witnessing such a miracle? I can't! Seriously I day dream of riding bareback. I was telling my mom that this is really what I think I want to do. Of course she thinks I'm crazy because she says I was this excited about the other things I thought I would do (fashion and journalism) but I really don't think so. I remember reading about those things and getting bored very easily. I tried to sit down and read the biography of Anna Wintour (spell?) and I couldn't even get passed the first chapter. I read fashion magazines sure and I got excited about the new Tory Burch shoes, but still all of those things are so materialistic. My neighbor Paul once told me that I would one day realize that fashion is not what it's all about and that I would see it's not worth the price they ask you to pay. Of course I still enjoy shopping ( a little too much) and I love designer things, but I just bought a pair of wranglers and I have never felt more myself in a pair of jeans. I decided to throw all of that out the window and just dress how I want to dress and I love it. Sure there are days when I feel a lil fancy so I may wear a dress. But as I've said before (maybe not on here) I feel more confident in my boots than I ever have in heels. After all the fashion magazines got so political during the elections it really turned me off from them. I thought that might be the one place I could to escape the ridicule of political figures, but no they mocked just like everyone else. And not reading them has felt great. I don't even have a desire too, sure this all probably sounds silly but its the truth. There are some parts of that side of my I will never give up. I will always love Tiffany's more than anything. And I respect Tory Burch, and would be proud to own anything she designs. I will use Shiseido on my face and all of those things like it because there is one thing I will never skimp on and that is my skin. But everything else well it just feels nice for that to not be my life anymore. To be comfortable in my own skin just the way I am. It's weird because becoming who I am is shocking everyone around me. Everyone has always seemed to think of me as a girly-girl who can't get dirty, but that's not at all who I am. I think in high school or when I was younger I confused not being into sports with not being ok to get dirty. I love getting dirty! I want to explore everything as I have made completely clear in all my dream lists on here. I really just want to be free of what everyone thinks of me. I want to stop living on this pedestal so many people have placed me on. I am not perfect and I never will be, some people just don't seem to realize that. I may not be as bad as some, but still I have many flaws. I do want to withold my morals of course, I have chosen them as my own. My sister just finished telling me today something I want to always remember. Some people have been trying to get me to somewhat give up some of my morals, and have told me that I am "too" old fashioned like I act like I'm from the 1820s but my sister said that she and her husband discussed how wrong these accusations were. She told me how much she admired that I have held these morals and the strength I have in my faith and have retained all of these years even though I did not have parents who really supported me. They did, but they did not drag me to church I went to church because I wanted to. That is something I began to lose sight of, and I really don't want to. Anyways I just looked at the time and I have to get up at 6 so I will have to continue this thought at a later time. Goodnight
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Here's my somewhat plan
Ok I have been thinking oh so much about the next few years of course cuz that's what I do. And here is what I have come up with what I think I will do.
1. I'm going to SAC right now I will work my ass off this semester get the best possible grades (which better be soooo good).
2.Most likely I am planning to take enough credits this summer to get me to the point to where I can transfer to A&M in the Spring of 2010.
3. Go to Blinn at Fall
4.Study what I really want to study at A&M and not listen to everyone else and what they want me to study..I want to study agriculture most likely equine science!
5. Do a semester at sea most likely will have to happen in the summer.
6. Study Abroad in Ireland. (which I can do through equine science)
7. After I receive my equine science degree get an Equine Assisted Psychotherapy Certificate. and hopefully go on to intern for someone and get a job doing what I really want to do so I don't have to be Horse Specialist just to pay the bills.
8. Go on as many adventures as possible!
*Lord willing this happens. I really love this plan and I like having a plan even if it doesn't totally work out.
1. I'm going to SAC right now I will work my ass off this semester get the best possible grades (which better be soooo good).
2.Most likely I am planning to take enough credits this summer to get me to the point to where I can transfer to A&M in the Spring of 2010.
3. Go to Blinn at Fall
4.Study what I really want to study at A&M and not listen to everyone else and what they want me to study..I want to study agriculture most likely equine science!
5. Do a semester at sea most likely will have to happen in the summer.
6. Study Abroad in Ireland. (which I can do through equine science)
7. After I receive my equine science degree get an Equine Assisted Psychotherapy Certificate. and hopefully go on to intern for someone and get a job doing what I really want to do so I don't have to be Horse Specialist just to pay the bills.
8. Go on as many adventures as possible!
*Lord willing this happens. I really love this plan and I like having a plan even if it doesn't totally work out.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
imagine my frustration
today has been one hell of a day. it started out good. i had a really good holiday in houston. i was able to see really good friends before i left and then it turned a bit. i'm going to say a bit jumbled and you probably wont be able to understand which is how i want it. heard name. upset. haunted. follows continuously. running. wishing i could run. where would i go. will it stop. missing her. she left without goodbye. trying. to find her. i cant. sadness. cant sleep. cant cry. just sitting here. dont want the first back. i want the second. the first is gone dont think will come back. more unveiling not pleasant to know. the second is missed more and more. can i find her. where is she. will i be disowned for searching. thats all. shes my sister. not blood but she stood up for me when no one else did. she cared for me. she listened to me. she fought for me. i need to speak with her. to let her know. i still care. even though everyone has abandoned her. i do not want to. i cant find her. i'll keep searching.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
back to them roots
i've been all over Texas these past couple weeks. well not all over but first dallas now houston. man does it feel good to be here. i hate the weather yeah but i always forget how comfortable it feels to be here. it's like that old shirt that you have that you've had for like 20 years and it doesn't matter how much it smells or how many holes are in it you just love wearing it. i went back to alvin today where i grew up and it was so great. everything looks the same. there were a couple changes but for the most part its all the same. i visited my old neighbors too and i was kind of nervous calling them thinking they may think i'm retarded like why is this girl callin us after all this time. but that's not at all how it was it was so great to see them it was like it was just yesterday. like time passed but stood still all at the same instance like "goin time travelin through texas". it just felt really good is all. after going through such an emotional few months it's nice to finally feel peace. to be around people who think the same. and who encourage the path i feel like my life is taking. i feel like i was drowning slowly inch by inch water flooding my lungs watching the sun sparkle on the ripples around me as i sank, and coming up above the water taking the most refreshing breathe. it is really just amazing that's all.
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