we all knew it wouldn't last

"The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? " -Holly Golightly, Breakfast at Tiffany's

This sums it all up right now. A week ago my joy was overflowing, and all of a sudden it's gone. the weirdest part is it doesn't feel totally gone, but it's almost as if subconsciously i know something dreadful is about to happen. i have no idea what it could be, i just hope it's not another thing with my family. who knows. but that's it "suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of." i think, perhaps, i am afraid of becoming too comfortable. i believe my last thing was about about being still. i don't know how to be still. it's why i'm tired all the time. even though i'm so laid back it's almost as if it's some sort of facade? no that's not it. i really don't know. i feel a bit lonesome, but not lonely. i'm okay with being alone right now, it's helping me get some things in perspective. i really wish i could pin point what i'm so afraid of. i feel like moving again. where should i go this time? maybe i'll try a different country. back to the not wanting to get too comfortable. the reason: when ya get comfortable it's easy to get caught in a trap. or maybe i'm finding the problems that i moved away from again. it's like we were playing hide and go seek. i ran i hid for a bit and they found me. i ran back and hid for a little longer and here they are again. i need to find a better spot. it's the same thing i analyze over and over and it remains the same. i ask why why why. no one knows. if i can't figure it out who else could. that may not sound right. but i'm pretty good at analyzing problems, just not this one. why? it doesn't make logical sense. to miss something even though you shouldn't something awful. no. no one should do that. people do i know. here i go again, confusing, makes no sense. i do it on purpose, or i try. it's easier to type on here. i know who i am. i have an idea where i'm going. so shouldn't this problem go away. no it's an elephant it follows me everywhere. when i meet a friend for coffee, the other person may not be able to tell. but there's a huge elephant sitting on our table, i try to see them over this big lug but i can't. they are lost. i yell. they wonder why i raise my voice. when i meet someone new. oh no we can't have that. i keep to myself at school. i like meeting new people. i just don't want them too close. so when they start i give a big push and the elephant steps in. i apologize take a bow. that's all, its over. i'm happy, sure. i'm glad to be back. it's not as stressful being back. i'm focusing better. but there it is. that fear. we're creatures of habit at least that's what they say. i try my hardest not to be. i go against it. why. that fear again. comfortable. we can't have that. this may hurt me later. that's alright. we'll work it out. maybe then i'll stop running so fast. have you ever noticed when i write. the things that make me sad, i never capitalize. why. who knows. comfortable nahh nothing to do with that. just me is all. mean reds. not the blues. i'll go spend some time with the horses. maybe they'll scare off the elephant. or at least it's a good hiding place for now. it hasn't found me there yet. i drive fast to get there, so it won't know where i've gone. it's worked so far. don't give away my spot.