we all knew it wouldn't last

"The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? " -Holly Golightly, Breakfast at Tiffany's

This sums it all up right now. A week ago my joy was overflowing, and all of a sudden it's gone. the weirdest part is it doesn't feel totally gone, but it's almost as if subconsciously i know something dreadful is about to happen. i have no idea what it could be, i just hope it's not another thing with my family. who knows. but that's it "suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of." i think, perhaps, i am afraid of becoming too comfortable. i believe my last thing was about about being still. i don't know how to be still. it's why i'm tired all the time. even though i'm so laid back it's almost as if it's some sort of facade? no that's not it. i really don't know. i feel a bit lonesome, but not lonely. i'm okay with being alone right now, it's helping me get some things in perspective. i really wish i could pin point what i'm so afraid of. i feel like moving again. where should i go this time? maybe i'll try a different country. back to the not wanting to get too comfortable. the reason: when ya get comfortable it's easy to get caught in a trap. or maybe i'm finding the problems that i moved away from again. it's like we were playing hide and go seek. i ran i hid for a bit and they found me. i ran back and hid for a little longer and here they are again. i need to find a better spot. it's the same thing i analyze over and over and it remains the same. i ask why why why. no one knows. if i can't figure it out who else could. that may not sound right. but i'm pretty good at analyzing problems, just not this one. why? it doesn't make logical sense. to miss something even though you shouldn't something awful. no. no one should do that. people do i know. here i go again, confusing, makes no sense. i do it on purpose, or i try. it's easier to type on here. i know who i am. i have an idea where i'm going. so shouldn't this problem go away. no it's an elephant it follows me everywhere. when i meet a friend for coffee, the other person may not be able to tell. but there's a huge elephant sitting on our table, i try to see them over this big lug but i can't. they are lost. i yell. they wonder why i raise my voice. when i meet someone new. oh no we can't have that. i keep to myself at school. i like meeting new people. i just don't want them too close. so when they start i give a big push and the elephant steps in. i apologize take a bow. that's all, its over. i'm happy, sure. i'm glad to be back. it's not as stressful being back. i'm focusing better. but there it is. that fear. we're creatures of habit at least that's what they say. i try my hardest not to be. i go against it. why. that fear again. comfortable. we can't have that. this may hurt me later. that's alright. we'll work it out. maybe then i'll stop running so fast. have you ever noticed when i write. the things that make me sad, i never capitalize. why. who knows. comfortable nahh nothing to do with that. just me is all. mean reds. not the blues. i'll go spend some time with the horses. maybe they'll scare off the elephant. or at least it's a good hiding place for now. it hasn't found me there yet. i drive fast to get there, so it won't know where i've gone. it's worked so far. don't give away my spot.

be still

I was talking with a very wise woman today and she told me the most clever thing "be still, and let God." Usually it annoys me when people are blahh God, because I've heard it all before. And yes, I have heard that before, but it never hit me like today. I really do need to be still right now. Last year was just such a tough year all around I just need to take a break. Have no commitments. Just school and my volunteer work. I really need to learn to say no to people. I just don't know how. That sounds silly. Everyone should know how to say no, right? Of course, I can muster the word out of my mouth, but I can not use it in real life situations. I'm too much of a people pleaser, I always have been. I never want anyone to be upset, so if they ask me to do something or lead something I just say yes. Which is awful, because then it hurts me. Like the place I volunteer at the first day I went there. They were have their fundraiser committee meeting and I put in my two cents, then they were like oh my God sent you to us. You cannot say things like that to me. I take things very literally so I was like oh crap now I have to do this. And I thought it would be ok, but I don't need that right now. I need some time not to have worries. This may not make sense to some people but that's okay. The positive thing is (by the way I really think the word positive should have two s's because positive is such a strong word adding another s would give it more oomph) I am learning this now. So hopefully this insight will help me act on it.

I have another thing on my mind, well of course I do I have 500 things on my all the time. I really want to know when guys stopped being gentlemen? Tonight I went to a restaurant and I had to wait for my table. I was standing for 20 minutes or so before a man offered me his chair. I realize in this day and age people think this is not necessary. But what I would like to know is when did it stop? Are men just not being taught to open the door for women? To always let a woman go before no matter if you are in a rush? To always offer a woman or elder your chair if they are standing? My sons will not be raised with this nonsense of not having proper etiquette. However I must say it is not only the men who have lost their manners. Women have too this is for certain. I know I am guilty of this as well, but I really do try to have manners and proper etiquette. This is something that is very important to me, and if someone ever thought I did not hold this trait I would be very disappointed. I would like to know who thought it appropriate for women to swear? I mean again I know I do have a few slip of the tongues. But what guy wants to hear his girlfriend cussing like a sailor? If he does, I do not want to meet him. For that matter, I do not think it is appropriate for men to curse in front of women. This is probably unheard of. But guaranteed if you are to spend very much time with me at all I will be sure to let you know that it is not appropriate. When did everyone get so lazy? Our language is not pretty, it does not flow like it does in such books as dPride and Prejudice. Perhaps I should move to England, at least if they do not speak well it sounds better than the English of America. I always say this, but I really do not understand why I was born during this time period. I would be ever so happy to communicate by letters. I wish I could trade places with my grandma and relive her childhood. At least then I would be thinking the same way as my time period. I am the odd ball. No one cares about things that are so important to me. Which means, I am often let down because no one meets these simple expectations. Because they were not taught to think this way. I know one guy who I would consider to be up these standards. One! That is just preposterous. Well this all for my rant tonight.

there's a passion burnin in my veins

I just want to see things. Today I went to Borders with a friend and we looked at this book filled with the best road trips in America. I seriously would love to just get in my car and drive. Not look at a map just get on the highway and go and see where the road takes me. Pull over when the signs say historical sighting next exit. That would be beautiful. Can you imagine? The people you would meet? The sights you would see? No agenda. Just driving. Doing whatever random thing comes up next. I suppose that would be more of a nomadic life than anything else, but maybe I would like that. Haha probably not. I can't stand to be alone that much. Perhaps, though, I won't be alone. I'll have a companion, yeah that's it. What a pair we'd be. Can't ya just see it. "Two nomadic travelers, don't know where they're headed or when they'll return." Oh that would be just lovely. I'm sure it's unrealistic, but that's how I think, unrealistically. And if nothing else I'll go to these places in my dreams with my companion. Windows rolled down, radio blasting, and us singing at the top of our lungs. We could be like Bonnie and Clyde, without the robbing and law breaking, of course. We'd be a sight for soar eyes, a one of a kind pair. Maybe it'll happen, maybe it won't. I'll add it to the list, though, just for hopes.

song of the moment

I need you cause I love you
always and forever
and I love you cause I've known you
always and forever
well time it flies
and time it runs by
and time will run out on us soon
your eyes filled with tears
from fighting your fears
searching for who you are
and I will be here
waiting my dear
always and forever
I need you cause I love you
always and forever
well I love you cause I've known you
always and forever
the moon and stars
and the sun stretches far
shining for all to veiw
eternally bound they light up the ground
never once being untrue
and you are for me
a light which I need
always and forever
I need you cause I love you
always and forever
and I love you cause I've known you
always and forever
always and forever

ha cha cha

first of all let me say i cannot remember the last time i was this happy. my goodness and i'm really not even quite sure why i am, but i frankly do not care! i wake up with a smile on my face, i have been enjoying everyday. my goodness i'm excited to go to school, which i can honestly say i don't think that has happened. i love my teachers, i've already made friends. all this time i've thought that i was such an introverted little girl that no one wanted to be around. and i mean i'm not really sure if people do, but i seem to make friends quite easily. and oh my goodness i'm finally confident again and it's not fake confidence this time it's really real. i'm nt afraid to make a fool of myself. i mean don't get me wrong it will probably be a long time (and it might be never) before i can speak in front of people and be ok with it. but still it just feels amazing. i don't want it to end, i don't like to think of it but i mean it is reality that all good things must come to and end. i'll endure some trial. then it'll be good again. that's life. but i am soaking up the goodness now am i ever. the weather has been just beautiful, perfect, sunshine with a hint of a chill. birds singing. my dogs are so much happier now too. i didn't even realize that my mood really affects them. now that i am so chipper they follow right along. i enjoy their company so much, i'm sure it sounds silly. but really they are so much fun, i can always be myself around them and i know they're dogs but still. i'm one of those crazies that believes they get us more than we realize.

there's really only one thing i've been thinking about that isn't as happy but i mean it's not really that big of a deal. see it seems like all these people around my age are getting married. at first i was sad and i was like what the heck i haven't even been in a relationship in like over 3 years. but then i started to really think and my goodness they scare the hell out of me. i am terrified to be in a relationship. 1 because well let's be honest i don't have the slightest idea about how any of that stuff works. 2 i'm so free right now and i don't want to be put in a cage. i can't even believe i just said that haha my whole life has been based around how much i want to get married. but i'm just now learning to be myself and i don't want someone to take that from me. unless they're as crazy as me then we'll talk but still no cages. the other thing is man oh man we're all so young why waste it. i mean if thats what they want to do who am i to stop them. and i'm sure if i was in their position i'd be doing the same. but i don't know haha. seriously i can't even tell when a guy is interested in me if they even are so i just assume they aren't oh man. who ever my next guy is he is in for a trip lol. anyways. see i really don't write when i get happy because i don't know what to say and then i just babble like i'm doing now. but ahhh seriously it's kind of nice. i try telling people how happy i am and they just don't get. i really just feel like screaming. it's almost like i'm in love. but that can't be because i really don;t know who i would be in love with. and i'm pretty sure if you're in love you know who the person it, i mean maybe not haha it's not like i'm a genius in that area at all. anyways. i just can't wait to go to a&m. it's going to be so fun. they have a sailing team which i want to do so bad! of course i've never sailed before but that's ok i'll just learn. oh there are just so many things i want to do. well i will end this before i repeat the entire thing i just said!

*yaya*

"Now our blood flows through eachother as is done for all eternity, loyal forever, we raise our voices in the words of Mumbo Gumbo... YA YA! "-that's for Lina if she reads this!

wild horses

my mind goes crazy everytime I start thinking about horses again. Its like I'm filled with a passion I have never felt before. I've been passionate about so many different and extreme things, but nothing has given me this that I can remember. I feel so much joy when I think of spending my life working with this four legged wonder who are healing people. Can you imagine witnessing such a miracle? I can't! Seriously I day dream of riding bareback. I was telling my mom that this is really what I think I want to do. Of course she thinks I'm crazy because she says I was this excited about the other things I thought I would do (fashion and journalism) but I really don't think so. I remember reading about those things and getting bored very easily. I tried to sit down and read the biography of Anna Wintour (spell?) and I couldn't even get passed the first chapter. I read fashion magazines sure and I got excited about the new Tory Burch shoes, but still all of those things are so materialistic. My neighbor Paul once told me that I would one day realize that fashion is not what it's all about and that I would see it's not worth the price they ask you to pay. Of course I still enjoy shopping ( a little too much) and I love designer things, but I just bought a pair of wranglers and I have never felt more myself in a pair of jeans. I decided to throw all of that out the window and just dress how I want to dress and I love it. Sure there are days when I feel a lil fancy so I may wear a dress. But as I've said before (maybe not on here) I feel more confident in my boots than I ever have in heels. After all the fashion magazines got so political during the elections it really turned me off from them. I thought that might be the one place I could to escape the ridicule of political figures, but no they mocked just like everyone else. And not reading them has felt great. I don't even have a desire too, sure this all probably sounds silly but its the truth. There are some parts of that side of my I will never give up. I will always love Tiffany's more than anything. And I respect Tory Burch, and would be proud to own anything she designs. I will use Shiseido on my face and all of those things like it because there is one thing I will never skimp on and that is my skin. But everything else well it just feels nice for that to not be my life anymore. To be comfortable in my own skin just the way I am. It's weird because becoming who I am is shocking everyone around me. Everyone has always seemed to think of me as a girly-girl who can't get dirty, but that's not at all who I am. I think in high school or when I was younger I confused not being into sports with not being ok to get dirty. I love getting dirty! I want to explore everything as I have made completely clear in all my dream lists on here. I really just want to be free of what everyone thinks of me. I want to stop living on this pedestal so many people have placed me on. I am not perfect and I never will be, some people just don't seem to realize that. I may not be as bad as some, but still I have many flaws. I do want to withold my morals of course, I have chosen them as my own. My sister just finished telling me today something I want to always remember. Some people have been trying to get me to somewhat give up some of my morals, and have told me that I am "too" old fashioned like I act like I'm from the 1820s but my sister said that she and her husband discussed how wrong these accusations were. She told me how much she admired that I have held these morals and the strength I have in my faith and have retained all of these years even though I did not have parents who really supported me. They did, but they did not drag me to church I went to church because I wanted to. That is something I began to lose sight of, and I really don't want to. Anyways I just looked at the time and I have to get up at 6 so I will have to continue this thought at a later time. Goodnight

Here's my somewhat plan

Ok I have been thinking oh so much about the next few years of course cuz that's what I do. And here is what I have come up with what I think I will do.
1. I'm going to SAC right now I will work my ass off this semester get the best possible grades (which better be soooo good).
2.Most likely I am planning to take enough credits this summer to get me to the point to where I can transfer to A&M in the Spring of 2010.
3. Go to Blinn at Fall
4.Study what I really want to study at A&M and not listen to everyone else and what they want me to study..I want to study agriculture most likely equine science!
5. Do a semester at sea most likely will have to happen in the summer.
6. Study Abroad in Ireland. (which I can do through equine science)
7. After I receive my equine science degree get an Equine Assisted Psychotherapy Certificate. and hopefully go on to intern for someone and get a job doing what I really want to do so I don't have to be Horse Specialist just to pay the bills.
8. Go on as many adventures as possible!

*Lord willing this happens. I really love this plan and I like having a plan even if it doesn't totally work out.

imagine my frustration

today has been one hell of a day. it started out good. i had a really good holiday in houston. i was able to see really good friends before i left and then it turned a bit. i'm going to say a bit jumbled and you probably wont be able to understand which is how i want it. heard name. upset. haunted. follows continuously. running. wishing i could run. where would i go. will it stop. missing her. she left without goodbye. trying. to find her. i cant. sadness. cant sleep. cant cry. just sitting here. dont want the first back. i want the second. the first is gone dont think will come back. more unveiling not pleasant to know. the second is missed more and more. can i find her. where is she. will i be disowned for searching. thats all. shes my sister. not blood but she stood up for me when no one else did. she cared for me. she listened to me. she fought for me. i need to speak with her. to let her know. i still care. even though everyone has abandoned her. i do not want to. i cant find her. i'll keep searching.

back to them roots

i've been all over Texas these past couple weeks. well not all over but first dallas now houston. man does it feel good to be here. i hate the weather yeah but i always forget how comfortable it feels to be here. it's like that old shirt that you have that you've had for like 20 years and it doesn't matter how much it smells or how many holes are in it you just love wearing it. i went back to alvin today where i grew up and it was so great. everything looks the same. there were a couple changes but for the most part its all the same. i visited my old neighbors too and i was kind of nervous calling them thinking they may think i'm retarded like why is this girl callin us after all this time. but that's not at all how it was it was so great to see them it was like it was just yesterday. like time passed but stood still all at the same instance like "goin time travelin through texas". it just felt really good is all. after going through such an emotional few months it's nice to finally feel peace. to be around people who think the same. and who encourage the path i feel like my life is taking. i feel like i was drowning slowly inch by inch water flooding my lungs watching the sun sparkle on the ripples around me as i sank, and coming up above the water taking the most refreshing breathe. it is really just amazing that's all.