flying so you won't land

I feel guilty when I don't read. Like something in me is completely off when a book is not in my hands. That's who I am. Reading is what I do. And yet every book I seem to pick up lately doesn't grab my attention. They're all interesting, of course, I just can't seem to read them. It's quite frustrating. I am also wanting to go somewhere, far. Where no one knows me. Just for a week or a little more. I see all the pictures of people going to Europe. Oh how I wish I was going somewhere fabulous! I miss big trips. Traveling is still my middle name, but I don't go to the places I used to. Canada one year, Hawaii the next. I know I must sound like a brat, but that is not at all what I mean. My soul is restless, and when I stay in one place too long I go a bit mad. This worries me a tad, because I hope this does not mean I will always feel unsettled. It is more that I am terribly afraid to get settled and comfortable. It's only when one is comfortable that boat seems to be rocked. If one is always moving, there is nothing to rock. However, the downside is feeling constantly in motion, I suppose. Perhaps soon, yes quite soon, I will feel settled. We will see. Until then.

Have you ever thought of diving in a wishing well?
Or tumbling down a hill?
Jumping into a lake,
Full of tiny fish.
Leaping over flowers,
That stand tall in your way.
Laughing at the sound
Of birds chirping at noon.
I often sit in silence.
And wonder to myself.
What's in that wishing well?
If I were to dive,
Could I see the wishes
Or would they fall?
What if I captured your wish?
And set it free.
Then it came true.
What would you do?
Would you then come with me?
In search of my own.
Or would you stay
And waste the rest of days?
What makes up a wish?
How does it survive?
Against the stormy seas,
Of whistling wells
And charming bells.
I make no sense
I am aware
All I ask
Is will you fall?
If I dive in.
Would you come too?
Or would you stand,
Waiting on the land?

roaming

It seems as though every time I write on here it is around 2:20, it must be some theme. Well the common theme is that I can't sleep. No shocker there! I have all these books I want to read; books that I've picked up and started but never finished. I can't seem to finish much anymore. I have essays that are already due and things I never seem to finish saying. People I keep missing. Things I want to do. So many things. I often go in circles. The things I once loved, I rediscover and it's better than the first time I found them. Things from my past. I guess I'm closing the book for tonight. I can't seem to read what it says, let alone write about it. I'll try to sleep but it seems my mind is on its own path tonight. Maybe it always travels on its own path. Or maybe I'm meant to roam.

the irony of it all

I so often have so much that I would like to write about but I don't always put the pen to the paper or the fingers to the keys. I also don't want to write about useless things of no meaning, but I would certainly hope that matters of the life have much meaning. I know I have written about this many times, and it will probably be a reoccurring theme throughout my life. Before I begin talking about the subject I want to say something else. I am not looking for sympathy, and when people give me this is does nothing for me. These problems have yet to be fixed and I am doing everything I can to fix them, it's just not exactly working. Here is the issue...I am somewhat of a loner. Some people disagree. But let me explain to you my daily happenings. I awaken whatever time I want to, I eat whenever I want to, I go to sleep whenever I want to. But here's the thing, all of these things I do alone. Sure I may go out places just so I can at least be around human beings, but this doesn't fix anything. My mom gets home at about 8 o'clock, and yes I realize those things are about to change when I'm out on my own, but still. My only hope for human contact is cut short. Sure, I talk to people on the phone throughout the day. But that is not at all the same. I can't help but feeling totally and utterly alone most of the time. I strongly hate telling people about this, because you know the response I get. "Get over it, it's not that hard to make friends." Bullshit! I'd like to see any one of those people who tell me that crap in my situation and see how they handle it. Here's the other thing I am so sick of being the one doing all the work in my relationships! If I didn't put in effort, do you know that I would most likely have no friends? It's true, sad yes, but true. Just once, I would like to find someone who calls me to hang out. I've been a little bit of a shut in these past couple of days, just because I don't even want to deal with the outside world. I've gone places, yes, but not really seen too many people. I'm just tired. I'm tired of dealing with half my family disowning me, basically. I'm tired of friends who don't seem to care what the hell is happening in my life. Maybe I'm the problem, I don't know. But what I do know is if I am, I've been listening to a hell of a lot of other people's problems. I'm sick of being invisible. Because when I actually do go out with friends, I get stepped on and go completely unnoticed. It's truly every girl's dream, let me tell ya. Look, I'm not trying to complain, I know that's what I'm doing but truly I'm just sick of it. When am I going to actually feel like I belong somewhere? Don't get me wrong it's not like my life is in the crapper. I'm just in a "transitional" period of my life, whatever the hell that means. And frankly, I'd be totally fine if I could move on. I've never been one to scream for the center of attention. The way I see it, is if someone does give me attention it's because they actually noticed me for me, not someone being flashy and flaunting themselves in front of anyone. I'm not really a flirt, because again I like to be real with people. Don't get me wrong I enjoy things like flirting. Honestly, I don't really know how to explain what I am trying to say on that topic. I'm just trying to reiterate how tired I am of seemingly slipping into the background all the time. Maybe soon it will be my turn. Until then, I will just suck it up keep living life to the fullest and look forward to the future. Again, I do know this is just a stage, and by no means am I sulking I guess it's just been really bothering me. And I'm also getting really sick of not being able to sleep. Toss and turn is all I do. Palease! I am ready for the next stage of life, before I actually do start sulking. Haha not really, I'm just being dramatic. I'd really like some friends too, because even though I'm good at being a loner it's not exactly natural feeling and I don't love it. Oh haha you know what someone told me, well if you don't like going places alone then why don't you invite someone. I think the line "don't judge until you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes" is very fitting in this instance. Anyways, I'm just trying to get it off my chest. And that's all folks..