on not sleeping

why is sleep the hardest thing to catch? it's like this constant race, trying to catch up to it but you just can't. you're so close to it, but it always slips through your fingers. perhaps, my not being able to sleep has something to do with today. it wasn't a very good day to say the least. I didn't wake up in time for my class; I was so upset too this is the first math I've missed. I didn't even hear the stupid alarm clock. Then I open my door to find a note from my mom, I started to smile a bit and then I read it. Something about the dogs making a mess. Yes, that is exactly what I needed. As the day went on I tried to get over it, and I somewhat did successfully. At least until, I began to have this very odd thing happen. I suddenly couldn't breathe, and felt like my chest was closing in on itself. Not a very good feeling. I must say, I had never it before either. I think it was anxiety. Then some other crappy things happened, and I came home to more crap. So basically, I have decided this day has now been flushed down the toilet. Now on to the sleep problem. I really don't understand why I can't go to sleep. I'm exhausted. But I'm just laying thinking, oh my mind what an annoying thing I cannot turn off. It thinks about everything constantly, always analyzing. Quite terrible you see, when trying to catch up with dear old sleep. I guess rambling was all I needed because now I feel like I could sleep, so I'm going to try before I lose it again.

For Jane: With All the Love I Had, Which Was Not Enough:
by:Charles Bukowski
I pick up the skirt,
I pick up the sparkling beads
in black,
this thing that moved once
around flesh,
and I call God a liar,
I say anything that moved
like that
or knew
my name
could never die
in the common verity of dying,
and I pick
up her lovely
dress,
all her loveliness gone,
and I speak to all the gods,
Jewish gods, Christ-gods,
chips of blinking things,
idols, pills, bread,
fathoms, risks,
knowledgeable surrender,
rats in the gravy of two gone quite mad
without a chance,
hummingbird knowledge, hummingbird chance,
I lean upon this,
I lean on all of this
and I know
her dress upon my arm
but
they will not
give her back to me.

don't pause before you walk

Tell me, what is at the end of an “I”? What comes before or after it? How many times do I have to scream at the top of my lungs? Come here. Don’t pause before you walk. Briskly over there. People are terrified the sky will fall. It does, everyday. My children will hear these terrible realities and read the news and ask the questions. I will fall and then walk, not pause. I want to know where you are from. Do you fear the sky? Or do you live until the day is done? Do you like peas in your salad? How many times do I have to scream at the top of my lungs? Watch out for the sky. Don’t pause before you walk. Take a hand when it is given. If it is not, take the next or the next and walk beside until the day is done. Do write of the times. Your children will want to hear. At the end of the I is you. You are the end of me. the beginning of us. The start of a life. tell me, what is your dream? Is it falling in the sky? Or jumping to the land? I have the hand. Walk beside, don’t pause.

get off that horse

I keep gettin on and off, on and off.
What do you want to do when you grow up?
What's your major?
#1 I want to do something that will benefit someone else and make me happy. I want to be a good influence and somehow make a difference even if it's minuscule.
#2 I change everyday.

I went to Chicago, I thought I was going to become the next Ana Wintour. Ha! I don't have the drive to do that. I love to write that is obvious, but I would not enjoy reporting. Even if it was about fashion (which I do love and always will). I will always write I have no doubt. I go through dry periods, sure. That's not the point, I think I've said before how it's the only thing I've actually stuck with. I liked it all throughout school. Diagramming sentences was my favorite thing, and I wish we wouldn't stop doing that in the 5th grade. So that's what I should do right? Study English, I mean. Maybe teach after that? Perhaps, try to get back into drawing and painting maybe teach art too? Crazy I know, two days ago I was so on that equine science train. And I guess I'm off it? I enjoy it sure, but who am I kidding that's not what I want to do. I'd like to own horses again some day, but I don't need to study that. I enjoy the country, I do want to live in it one of these day. A few acres, horses, and my garden. I go to too much extremes. One minute I like one thing and then I find out it's not what I want or what I'm supposed to be and I run to the opposite end and jump off the cliff. Oh well, it only makes sense. Well it makes sense to me at least. All this to say I think I've changed my mind again. Or realized the thing I was running back to here from is what I really am and I need to accept that. Quit trying to be something I'm not. We'll see. Still have a bunch of thinking to do.

inspiration day #2

It is very interesting to me once again how people affect one another so much. I say this is day 2 of being inspired, because it has happened once again. The nervousness comes and goes. Not knowing what to do, or rather what not to do. Stumbling. Inspired. A mixture of feelings all within one. Too many to know what to do with. Adjectives, oh wonderful adjectives there are none to describe this feeling, nor are there adverbs or nouns. As said before, it is simply indescribable. How lovely a feeling something without words. I am "sent singing through the woods." Literally. Well, perhaps only halfway a literal statement. I cannot wait to begin a painting. It's like I was in a rough winter for so many years I cannot even remember what spring looks like. And now it is here, except it is brighter and more exuberant than any other spring I have seen. It holds flowers of a kind I have never held in my life. A wonderful scent that has never filled my nose. Simply extraordinary. On being inspired, yes inspired. Happiness too. I have also begun reading this book of poetry I had bought in Chicago. Charles Bukowsky, it was in the clearance at Barnes and Noble, why? It is some of the best work I have read. The reason? He's so honest. I have never read such straightforward, honest poetry. I love it. He also did not want this particular piece published until after his death. How incredible! That is what makes his work so wonderful. He did not write for others, he did it for himself. At least that's what it seems so far, I do not know much about him but I will find out soon. It's almost 3 AM and I am no where near even thinking of sleep. I'm exhausted, sure. But once again that inspiration has taken over me. I am once again as I usually am at a loss for words to describe all of this or to even go on talking at all. This is more than the happiness I felt when I moved back here. It's truly overwhelming, in a good way. A very good way. "you sent me singing through the woods," once again and I don't want it to end.

on feeling inspired

I'm terribly sorry for anyone who all of these are being emailed to, I know I keep writing and writing but I can't seem to stop.

Anyways, this is one of the oddest feelings I've had. This past week I went to the art museum with a new friend, and ever since that I have felt so inspired. It's the weirdest thing. It's not like they encouraged me to create or anything, I really don't know why. Just like everything else the only I know to relate it to is a song by Nizlopi called "Helen." Here are the lyrics: "Hey Helen. Your eyes shining, you're beautiful,So I just had to come and sing to you. And Helen, Made me feel alive last night to meet you, so, This is the best I can bring to you.'Cos you sent me singing through the woods, Last night, You sent me singing through the, Feeling alright, You sent me singing through the woods, Last night, You sent me singing a, Happy singing boy. Because of you.." I've never had a person affect me this way. Literally, since we hung out I have been doing so much art. I've missed it! Obviously, on here I've been writing so much which is crazy. I mean I do love to write, I usually don't think so much about things. I guess this person seemed very open minded, and I always thought that I was open minded but I think they blew me out of the water. Which inspired me to read more and learn as much as possible. Then I've been embroidering that handkerchief. I'm almost done, I worked on it forever last night. And then I wrote that poem thing (previous post), which turned into me wanting to try this kind of art that I seem to be drawn to lately only I have no earthly clue what it is called. My favorite from the San Antonio Museum of Art is just single words in black print on a large sheet of white paper. But each word has a part bolded like usually. the u's are bolded, but of course they are much better I just can't think of any good words for an example. Anyways, I created my own tonight with that poem. And I did it exactly like the last post to where if you can tell the first 3 stanzas (I'm really not sure if that's the correct term for them) spell red, well to me. which of course in this case is all that matters haha since it is my work. I'm not really sure if this would even be considered "art" I would hate for it to be crap and I just don't know it. I want to take it further though. I want to get a large piece of fabric and embroider the poem on the fabric and turn it into a scroll that can be hung on the wall. I forgot to mention that on the paper I did, I translated it into French so the left is English and the right is French. I used an internet translator so it may not be correct, but I do not know all of those words so I had to. Back this inspiration. It really interests me though. I've met people before who have encouraged me to create. Or who have been an inspiration. But no one has "inspired" me personally to create. I wonder what it feels like to inspire someone. Or if people ever know the others they do inspire. Of course, I think it would be kind of weird sounding to tell someone "hey you know I just wanted to let you know that you really inspired me and ever since I've met you I have created more art then ever before." If someone told me that I would probably cry, but that's me. Oh well time will only tell. Still it's more than being inspired, because feeling inspired by another person is so much different than the inspirations of nature and of occurrences in one's life. Nature shows beauty, occurrences show experience, but a person brings something enlivening something simply unexplainable. I have no other words on this subject because I am lost myself.

interesting

thoughts.
lay
in
the
grass.

look at
the sky.

interesting.
thoughts.
trickle
from
my
mind.
no
matter
how
far.
is there.

no.
more.
running.
interesting.
traveling.
instead.
more.
yes.

interesting.
facts.

interesting.
lies.

interesting.
honors.

interesting.
yes.
indeed.
interesting.

Common Sense

This is crazy, my head gets going and it doesn't stop.

In my last post I said that I wanted to just start learning as much as possible, so I grabbed all my philosophy books and I decided to start with Common Sense by Thomas Paine. I have only read the Intro and 1st page and already I am amazed and has somewhat opened my eyes. Here are a few quotes and I will explain why they are significant to me:

This is from the intro and this is in the P.S. "Who the Author of this Production is, is wholly unnecessary to the Public, as the Object for Attention is the Doctrine itself, not the Man." That screams at me. I wish that people who were actually actively involved thought this way. I got really heated this last election, and I think perhaps more than anything I hate conforming to everyone else. If everyone else likes something I subconsciously dislike for the reason that everyone else like it. I am conservative, yes, but perhaps not politically? Hell, to be honest I hate politics. It brings out the devil in people, and causes people to act completely mad. Which comes to my next quotes from Common Sense. "Some writers have so confounded society with government, as to leave little or no distinction between them...Society is produced by our wants, and government by our wickedness." That right there is exactly why I also loved Utopia so much. The idea that if people acted as they should there would be no need for a government. "Government eve in its best state is a necessary evil." That is so true. We only need it, because the world is evil. I know some people may read this and wonder why I am just now figuring this out. I knew this, but now I am understanding it. It goes on to say that if there were a group of people were to move to a secluded island or something away from everyone else, they would only function as a society. See, you always here the word society but what does it truly mean? Society-a body of individuals living as members of a community. If that is what a society is then we are not even properly living under these guidelines, why? Government! Because government, the necessary evil, stepped in and changes the way society functions. If we only lived under a society, how much differently would we live? would we be a more united people? or would we crumble and evil would take over? This really makes me think. I do not want to be classified as a republican or democrat, conservative or liberal. I can get along with either party just fine, if they are willing to discuss ideas in a civilized manner. I think last semester I got so caught up in a label, which I hate, that I lost sight of my true feelings. It didn't help of course that I was being attacked, but that's another story. I want to be a free thinker, someone who is not influenced by those around me. One who thinks for myself, and knows the reason I take a stand for the things I take a stand for. I would like to say that from here on out I refuse to discuss politics with anyone, no, that would be close mindedness. I am a very open minded person, and even though I may not agree with views it is only appropriate to hear them all. I am quite excited to read the rest of this book/pamphlet whatever you would like to call it. And I am willing to say that I am open to changing my views if I believe that is necessary to do so.

my mind goes wild

As usual thoughts just seem to speed through my head. I'm feeling overwhelmed right now. Almost like something is standing on my chest that won't move. I don't know what it is. I never do. It feels somewhat sad. Maybe this is just one of those weird things again. I hate how I get in these moods where all I want to do is go outside somewhere open and just sit. But where can I go? I need to get out of my box again. Explore something. I've been sitting for far too long in this same old spot. I want to walk in a river, and feel sand under my feet. Even walking through grass with a blanket of dew. Sometimes I wish I lived out in the middle of no where. No one knew me. Just wandering by. This is a common thought I have lately. Why do I constantly feel like I need to get out? No one is crowding me, it's just me. But still I feel like I'm drowning. I want to climb on a deserted roof and sit with my thoughts staring at the sky. Watch the day pass by. I actually really want to do that one day. Just pick a spot and sit for an entire day watching the sun as moves from morning to night. I don't know if I could sit still that long, perhaps if I had company. Right now I don't and that's okay. I could do it alone. It just wouldn't be quite as fun. It's so weird feeling so restless all the time. No amount of sleep or rest takes away the feeling. It's always there. I guess it could be a part of that ghost. Actually I think I may have just figured out what the deal is. I went to the art museum today. For some reason every time after I experience something like that I get in the weirdest mood. I'm not quite sure what happens. I can't express it to people. I wonder though if this happens to others as well. I can be fine while walking through the museum, but after something comes over me. I don't know if it's an overwhelmed feeling, because of being in the presence of such greatness or what. The pieces amaze me. You know it's like that quote about how you walk through the museum and soak it in, but you don't feel the impact until after you've left and had time to think of the pieces you saw. Seeing pieces I studied in art history last semester it's kind of surreal or something. I'm such a see it to believe person, and when I see it the evidence is right there. It all comes together. I feel like I'm rambling now and perhaps I am. I usually do. What's weird is music brought this out. I wasn't thinking about it until I started to listening to music. I think it's weird how much little things affect me. People always say I worry too much and I over analyze these are true sure, but I can't help it. The smallest insignificant thing either makes or breaks me. Here's the quote by Audrey Hepburn: "Living is like tearing through a museum. Not until later do you really start absorbing what you saw, thinking about it, looking it up in a book, and remembering - because you can't take it all in at once."

I sometimes wish my mind was like a vacuum so I could just suck up all this information. There are so many things I don't know, oh my goodness that is the biggest understatement. I have hardly any cool facts about anything. It really freaks me out a lot of the times when someone just starts telling me all this information about everything. I think that's where the suffocation comes in. Because things that I thought I knew about, I know absolutely nothing. Seriously, what do I even know about? I read a ton, you would think I would know a thing or two. Or maybe I do but I just never happen to talk about those things, so I am lost i conversations where I am unable to utter a comment, because if I did I feel like I would just be trying to sound like I knew something when I don't. To be honest, that's another reason why I didn't like Columbia, that is a very arrogant reason too, because the fact that all these people knew so much more than me about so many things. Sure I know designers from way back when, but no one cares about that. I know some things about horses that I read in books. But the things that actually matter to me, the things I want to know about. I know nothing. I sit speechless as someone else spouts off about all these wonderful things. Don't get me wrong, I love because that's the only way to learn. And I love to learn. Socrates said, "I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing." Is that true? Is the fact that you know you know nothing what makes you intelligent? Because truly I learn everyday how much I do not know, and how much I wish to learn. Perhaps I should pull out the philosophy again. Learn the ends and outs of them. Learn the history of more than just the things that are of interest to me. Let these be added to my list. That is all, I am too overwhelmed to speak of anything else. And frankly, I have no other words. I am speechless. I don't know if I like being speechless.

it never entered my mind

that song ^ "it never entered my mind" by miles davis seriously makes me melt. when I hear it I don't know whether to cry or smile lol it's good. I know that sounds dumb, but it's very true.

I'm having a good day so these next things are just a bit of a rant on things that are annoying me that I cannot fix

it really bothers me that every time (once again I really think that every time should be spelled everytime) anyways when I talk to certain people all they tell me about is their relationships "oh and listen to what I got him blahh" believe it is my duty as a friend to hear this and i do want to but seriously when that is all we talk about. more like they talk about and i listen but they aren't interested in what i have to say. i'm not trying to whine or sound selfish i honestly care about their stuff i just feel like they don't care about mine anymore ya know. it's just getting annoying is all. i just want to chat about real stuff ya know what's going on in our daily lives. i guess the one good thing is talking over the internet makes it easier to conceal feelings. or perhaps that's a bad thing? i really have no clue.

ha honestly i think that's the only things that's really annoying me as of this moment. i'm quite excited for tomorrow actually. i think it will be a good day. hopefully after last week man i could sure use it. basically everything i touched last week turned to dust that was not cool at all. i guess i'm still exhausted from dealing with it all. it was especially hard because my mom was out of town. and it really makes me wonder how i am ever going to live on my own. even though i am very independent now and i completely take care of myself. i don't know how to take care of things when they break. i mean i do but i just like being to depend on someone else for those sorts of things. perhaps that's bad, or maybe everyone feels this way and it's unrealistic? either way i don't particularly care i just don't want to not have it.

i just remembered my other annoyance: valentines day. don't worry i am not at all sad that i do not have a date or whatever. it really just annoys me that people make such a big deal of it. the only way i would like to celebrate it if i did have a date would be either being in comfy clothes and watching a movie with super fattening food or just like going out and sitting under the stars. i really don't see what the fuss is all about. making guys worry about getting their girlfriends the perfect gift. seriously i'd rather not get anything. the only person i enjoy getting something for is my mom just because we always have. but why make it some huge ordeal? i don't love red roses i mean they're beautiful yes and if someone gave them to me i would adore them just for the thought. but 1) white lilies are my favorite flower and 2) it's cliche. my thing is and i tell like everyone this if you can't do something nice for someone every other day of the year why should you be forced to do it on a holiday. then it makes all the single people (excluding me) feel like crap because they feel that they need someone. oh well. it will continue to be an over-marketed bowl of shlush to me lol.

i think that's enough of my annoyances. now for a cute quote i found:

O wild and wondrous midnight,
There is a might in thee
To make the charmed body
Almost like spirit be,
And give it some faint glimpses
Of immortality.
~James Russell Lowell, Midnight

sleep=my favorite past time

I recently read this article in Real Simple magazine, about this lady who loves sleeping more than anything. It was so funny because literally it was describing me. I loooooove to sleep. People always get on to me for sleeping too late, but they really are just jealous that they don't have my talent haha probably not. If it was possible for me to sleep for an entire week I would love it. I love the feeling of having a ton of sleep. I got to take a nap today, and I'm not thrilled that I did because it caused me to miss out on spending more time with my niece and nephew. Although, after this last week from hell it was nice to have a bit extra. I guess that's all I wish I could get more sleep though. Sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep. zZzZzZ...

guaranteed there's a song

Here's mine as of now:
I'd build a ladder to the moon
There I'd carve your name
If it would brighten up this room
But you know that anyway
I can't be the rock
Not today
Sometimes i wanna pop
Sometimes i wanna say

I'd like to breakdown, but I can't find the time
You're all lookin' to me
To keep it in line
I hope i can keep it in line

Sometimes i slow it down
To hear what I haven't heard
And when the darkness rolls around
I scream out the words
His picture's on my wall
He looks about my age
I wonder if he ever broke at all
I wonder if he ever had to say

I'd like to breakdown, but I can't find the time
They're all lookin' to me
To keep it in line
And I'm gonna keep it in line

It's gonna work itself out
It always does
At the last drop of doubt
Just like it never was

I am seriously about to break down for sure. Or more like I'd like to. But it is very true I can't seem to find the time, so where does it lash out instead? my sleep, meaning I am unable to get sleep. There's a ghost over my shoulder once again, it likes to "keep me company" which it's really haunting me. I wish I could sleep, or do other things besides analyze everything that happened. It's hard for me to talk about it to anyone too. because I never know what to say. I don't know how to explain any of this, because I don't even know what any of it is. I don't have anything else to say.

...I remembered my thoughts that I was trying to say earlier perhaps I have already talked about this but I do not think so. I have figured out that I am terrified of being comfortable. See I want to be so badly, but that's the part that scares me. Every time I have gotten comfortable lately that's when my world turned upside down. I know I shouldn't think this way, but I'm trying to figure out how to reverse my thinking. This is quite difficult. It's such an odd feeling, knowing what's wrong, knowing that it needs to be fixed, but not knowing how or even where to start. Well I supposed I have lost my thoughts again. Oh well maybe my brain will subconsciously work all this out that would be quite nice.