it is lateee

ok i should be asleep but i'm not because my mind is going wild

all i think about now are horses especially Grayson.

see Grayson is an adoptable horse from Habitat for Horses. i dream of riding him. literally. i just can't bring myself to ask my mom if i can buy him though. i mean i would pay for him as much as i could. and i'd volunteer at his stable so i could maybe get a discounted price for his stay.

he is so beautiful.

the saddest part or maybe the oddest part i don't really know what you'd call it: i don't even think i've thought of my ex-boyfriends (while i was dating them) as much as i think about this horse. during class when i'm bored to death i picture myself riding bareback through the woods or open land wherever. just me and Grayson no one with us.

see i think i know why i want to try to go into this so badly. i've been analyzing it through and through because that is what i do. and here is what i have come up with:

1. there's that whole masochist part of me which my last post explains
2. i am constantly looking for something that will make me feel free. and every book i have been reading lately (about horses) and all the research i've done has concluded to say that horses help you achieve this
3. i am terrified to my every being of getting close to people and once again my research has shown that horses help you communicate better.
4. i just really need something to help my mind settle from everything from this past year

see i've been to a counselor and it just didn't seem like it helped because to me its nothing for me to just tell people what's happened to me. it's kind of this weird thing i feel like i can do (and maybe everyone can and i just don't know it) but i seperate myself. i can tell you what has happened and how terrible i feel but i'm not really letting anyone in while doing this.

so i just try to help myself now which is why i'm such an analyzer. its annoying really i read so much in to the stupidest things. i mean that does have a lot to do with me being a girl too but whatever.

ok so as usual my thoughts are all over the place and this may not make any sense. but that's ok.

i was telling a friend today how i constantly feel like i'm running and i think i might have mentioned this in my last post but its getting old.

i ran to chicago to get away from the mess here and thats just gotten me into an even bigger mess because it sucks there (not anymore since im moving back but it did p.s. i dont regret it it was a good life experience) and i'm still dealing with the same problems from here just now im a 1000 miles away and dealing with them all alone.

which brings me to my next point. i always tell people i like to be alone. well truth is thats a big fat lie i hate being alone. i just don't know how to be with people.

sounds crazy right? maybe not but i dont like it. i'm so used to being alone that i think that i have to be or something? and when i actually do get the chance to be with people i screw it up. maybe. i think too much i know. sometimes i wish i could live in someone else's life for just a day. to see what it feels like to have everything in order. because i feel so discombobbled that i don't even know what to do with myself.

so i guess now i will try to sleep where i will dream of Grayson the horse i have not met yet but have fallen in love with. the one i want to buy so badly but i dont know if that is too ridiculous to ask? but hey i do have some farfetched ideas it's kind of who i am so it wouldn't be an out of the ordinary question.