can't sleep

well it's almost 2 am and of course i can't sleep. i don't know why but i feel extremely sad. i had a good day it snowed and i took pictures nothing big but very good. i've just been feeling so alone lately. i wish i could fix it but i don't know how. i'm around people all the time, i have great friends but i still feel completely alone. i want to be close to people, i want to get over what ever the hell this thing is that keeps me from it. i think it's fear. but how can i be so afraid of getting close to people when i want to jump off of cliffs? seriously that is all i feel like doing right now. i want to feel free. but i dont at all i feel trapped. trapped inside myself? trapped in my circumstance? i dont really know what i'm trapped in but i am. and i cant seem to get out. i feel like im in a card board box with all the sides taped up and all there is a little peep hole that lets in a little sunlight. there's this johnny cash song that says I don't know where I'm bound, I don't know where I'm bound,
whistles calling me away, leaving at the break of day,
and I don't know where I'm bound.

Can't stand locks, bars, doors,
mean cops, insanity, and wars;
gotta find a place of peace,
until then, my traveling won't cease,
but I don't know where I'm bound.

There's gotta be a place for me,
under some green growing tree;
with clear cool water running by,
an unfettered view of the sky,
but I don't know where I'm bound.

When I die, don't bury me,
cause then I must be free;
cremate my body with a grin,
throw my ashes to the wind,
cause I don't know where I'm bound.

I don't know where I'm bound, I don't know where I'm bound,
whistles calling me away, leaving at the break of day,
and I don't know where I'm bound.

Got myself a little gal,
she has been a downright pal;
that old highway's calling me,
and free I gotta be,
but I don't know where I'm bound, I don't know where I'm bound.

I don't know where I'm bound.

that about sums it up. i really don't know where i'm bound. i think i'm headed to work with horses but what if that doesn't work out? i change my mind like i change my socks and i'm sick of it. i want some freaking stability. that's it i need stability in my life. i don't feel like any area has it. my family is screwed up i mean so is everyone else's but mine's not even around. i don't have a boyfriend not that i need one but it would be really nice right about now. but then again there's that whole fear of getting hurt. it just goes in circles and it feels never ending. i don't know where i'm bound i don't know where i'm bound.